USA took on Jamaica’s Reggae Boyz in the CONCACAF Gold Cup semifinal game on July 22^nd where Jamaica came out on top with a 2-1 upset over Team USA. The streets have quieted down from the jubilation but the Jamaicans are still basking in the after math of the victory. Boardlane TV is live in Portmore, Jamaica to get reactions.

Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from Portmore and I am standing next a jubilant supporter of the victorious Jamaican football team. Why don’t you tell our viewers how you are feeling this morning about Wendsday’s game.

Sheldon: (Pumping fist) Watch mi now peeple.. a we seh REGGAE BOYZ goh a farrin an drive di blurtneet GREEN bus inna di fuss half and den park wan big duty YELLOW truck inna di second half and den BLACK out di US team to bombawt! (Yells) GREEN, YELLOW AN BLACK TO DI FLIPPING WOLRD WI SEH!!

Boardlane TV: Wow! What a way to put it. So who impressed you the most in the game?

Sheldon: All a dem perform pan tap shelf level, sistren. Truss mi… if dem neva preform dem way deh.. wi bruck dem foot as dem step pan Jamdung soil. Wi noh tek buss assin fram USA lightly soh caah a wi fi run football pan dem yute deh. Weh dem know bout football like wi? Big up to di man Mr. Schafer. Nuff respect! Di old white head man slew dem to bombeet!

Boardlane TV: I thank you for your comments. Nicely done. Miss, come here and give our viewers your take on team Jamaica’s victory.

Merna: (Yawns) Excuse mi fi yawn lady but mi neva sleep too good laas night. A roun 9 aclack inna di night mi get call fram mi bredda fram quite a Hinglan a hosk if mi if mi si how Jamaica beat up USA inna football match. Troo mi use to di blastid, wuklis bway dem always a fling weh di game dem mi neva set up fi watch it. Soh mi jump outta mi bed sed time an ask him: “A serious medz or a joke binzness dis??” Lowe an behold a true sinting to kackafawt!

Boardlane TV: Yes, it is indeed true. So have you celebrated with friends since you got the news?

Merna: Well, mi neva do nutten much fi celebrate odda dan as mawning light mi git up outta mi bed and start mek some “Reggae Boyz” grater cake fi sell. Yuh know how dem Jamaicans yah wi buy anyting now weh seh “Reggae Boyz.” Any adda day dem bruck an pauperish but mi know tideh dem a fine money fi buy any old fawt caah dem inna good mood. Money haffi mek tideh.

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Moving right along. Young man you are true patriot decked out in your Reggae Boyz jersey with the number 11. Tell us the significance of your support for number 11.

Bruce: Well lady I am a big supporta of numba 11, Darren Mattocks. Wi use to call im “Natty Matty”. Mi a falla im fram di time im deh pan di Portmore United football squad an mi glad seh a im put wi up one love inna di game. When mi si “Natty Matty” goh soh an flick in a heada inna di goal mi head start raise like duppy tek set in deh to rahtid!

Boardlane TV: Explain that. Head raised?

Bruce: Yah man! When people seh dem head raise dat mean dem feel proud. (Puzzled) A weh yuh come fram? A farrin TV station dis mek yuh know dat?

Boardlane TV: (Smiles) Just wanted you to clarify for the viewers so they don’t think you became daemon possessed. Let me hear from this other gentleman. How do you feel about how team Jamaica represented?

Dillon: (Excited) Wiked match!!Match noiceee!!! A maddd ting!! Up up up way up!!!!!! Straight up like 7up! A wi seh wi team swaggerific and terrific! Wi shell dung an tun up til wi buck!! Wi goh deh fi drink milk wi noh goh deh fi count cow! A werk wi werk…wi noh come fi jerk!

Rohan: (Laughing) But a bare slang disyah bway deh pan like im an Elephant man a fuss cousin. Mek I ansa di question yaah lady.

Boardlane TV: Go right ahead.

Rohan: A soh dem shoulda a gwaan long time. Last year di Jamaica team neva did a gwaan wid nutten! Dem did look soh blastid bad dat mi a wanda why dem neva recruit some ooman fi play fi di team. But fram mi si di performance wid dem an Argentina coming down, mi know di man dem annoh buck up dis time. After all dese years wi finally bus USA ass! Tank yuh Faada!

Boardlane TV: Good stuff. Come here young lady, you are just dying to say something. Speak to me. What’s on your mind?

Juliet: (twirling her long weave) Would you marry me number 17, Rodolph Austin? Would you be my one and only baby daddy? And if yuh seh no .. can yuh get di goalie numba fi mi? Im body tun up an look trang deh dowe!

Otis: (Steps in annoyed) Sweetheart, do you even watch football? Goh wan side an tek weh yuh blastid cunnu-munu self affa di people dem TV statian! Blinking nuff like powda puff!

Boardlane TV: Ok sir why dot you close out the interview for us.

Otis: (Grabs the mike) All mi haffi seh dis mawning is dem did seh wi was di under dog. Under dog like unu PUPPA! Mi si all a man a di game a wear Barcelona shut like im did deh a look fi Messi. KMT. Unu noh a gwaan like unu noh rate wi but Reggae Boyz buss up head and buss up net! Who did doubt wi an jump ship .. unu si seh di ship still a sail. Goh tell every man an woman, young an old seh di Red White an Blue juss get dem ass whoop by di Black Green an Gold! Mi dun talk! (Drops Mike)

Boardlane TV: Oh Jesus, did you just drop the expensive mike on the ground sir?

Otis: (Picks up the mike fast) Sarry! Hush! Mi did get too excited. If it expensive it noh suppose to mash up. Seet deh it still a carry sound.

Boardlane TV: Anyway folks! It was a pleasure bring ng you live reactions from proud Jamaicans on the streets of Portmore. Until next time this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright July23rd, 2015

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!“

“A Soh It Goh!“

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

In a stunner on January 25, Miss Jamaica, Kaci Fennell was shut out of the top three despite being one of the competition’s front-runner. Supporters gathered in Half-way-Tree square were “jaw-dropped” when they saw their beloved Kaci drop to fifth place. Boardlane TV was on location to get a few reactions.

Boardlane TV: Hello to our viewers. I am here with a visible upset fan of Kaci Fennel. She doesn’t look happy…Miss, can you tell us what you are feeling now?

Suzy: (Shaking her head) Anybady si dis blasted foolishness a gwaan uppa farrin?! How dem fi mek di lilly gyal come dead laas an shi soh lickle bit an cute?

Boardlane TV: She technically did not come “dead laas”, miss. She was placed fifth. That is quiet an accomplishment, don’t you think?

Suzy: (Holding up 5 fingers) Lady… is five smaddy did tan up deh an fram dem lick har out a di competition, to mi dat mean shi come dead laas! Jamaican people noh use to dem tings yah. Wi noh enta nutten an come dead laas. Nat a mumma backside! Nutten more dan a wan lang hair smaddy dem did waan win again! Dem mek mi tomach sick!

Boardlane TV: Never mind darling. It could have been worst. I am going to move on to this young man who is still jubilating despite the placement of Kaci. Sir, why are you so happy?

Fur Cat: (Grinning) Mi cyaan feel a way fi how lickle Miss Muffet represent Jamaica. My girl sell aff! Wan time mi si Kaci a wink pan di camera an mi hawt start gallop like race harse… mi swear a mi shi a wink affa. Kaci noh tap seduce mi wid har dreamy yiye dem. Mi soh glad mi lef mi ooman a di yaad caah shi woulda tek jealousy an start pure war out yah tinite. Mi ago sleep good tonight. Noh worry yuhself.

Boardlane TV: I see. Glad you got your fix for the night. Now Miss, come over here and talk to the viewers. How are you taking this major upset?

Babzy: (Face wrenched) IT HAT MI! It hat mi soh til mi cyaan talk. All mi know is dis ting hat mi an it ago hat mi fi a very lang time.

Boardlane TV: Why are you so hurt?

Babzy: Mi cyaan explain odda dan it HAT mi! Mi noh waan nobaddy ask mi nutten else caah it HAT mi bad! Mi noh have nutten else fi seh.

Boardlane TV: Well, it should be clear to our viewers that this truly “hat yuh.” Thanks for the comment. Now Miss come over here and talk to the viewers. What is your take on the outcome?

Hilda: (Holding back tears) Personally, mi tink dem teif Kaci an mi believe seh Miss Columbia teet too big fi win beauty contest. When shi smile di whole a di teet tek up di screen an look how big disyah screen bi.

Boardlane TV: I think she is a beautiful young lady, no?

Hilda: (Kiss teet) Shi noh betta looking dan fi wi gyal! Mi have cow weh smile betta dan har. Mi did preffa Kaci teet, pose an frack – everything pan har set good. Dem too bloody teif! Dem judge deh waan dash weh! Dats why di people dem boo dem backside. Di blasted lot a dem cyaan even chat good English mek people get fi undastan weh di r@@s dem a seh.

Boardlane TV: Ok then, miss. Thanks for speaking so candidly. How about you sir, what is your take?

Sam: As far as mi si Kaci win! Noat a soul a chat bout Miss Columbia.. everybody fram coast to coast, a Kaci name gaan a lead. Shi a di only wan inna di top 5 weh did have personality an helegance. Di ress a dem did stiff like boad. Only wan ting did hole Kaci back fram tek di crown.

Boardlane TV: What do you think held her back?

Sam: Mi tink troo shi have fine foot shi cudden tan up pan dem good. Kaci foot dem noh bigga dan fi maskita. Shi did a wobble wan an two time til all wan time shi nearly pitch ova pan di stage. Gad know mi glad shi neva drap caah mi noh know if di foot dem wudden bruck to rahtid.

Boardlane TV: Hmmn. That never came to mind but thank you sir. Come here lovey. You are dying to talk to us. What do you have to say?

Carmen: Mi seh lady I neva si nutten bun mi soh! Some a dem ooman deh nat even shoulda come even near Kaci to bird beak. Di lickle cranky wan from Ukraine a come a talk bout fi har country give army to di world. A wah kina fawt dat?! Well shi an dat deh army can goh siddung an hole a medz caah dat noh mek it. Miss Netherlands she look like shi shoulda have wan bress pump set fi har roun a di back caah shi did look very milky uppa tap deh. Mi naah lie. Di ti-ti dem swell up soh til di poor frack did a strain unda di pressure.

Boardlane TV: Wow! You are not holding back. You don’t think you are being harsh?

Carmen: Lady I am tawking di troot dat I feel inna mi hawt. Miss Columbia nice an ting mi tink dem only gi har di crown caah shi have nearly eleventeen bredda an sistas an dem look hungry. A dats why shi win. Mi bex lik bull frag! Kaci shoulda come up betta dan dat. An mi naah stap seh soh!

Boardlane TV: Well, there you have it all. On a whole we can say that these supporters are truly disappointed that despite her valiant effort, Miss Jamaica did not place higher in the competition. On behalf of Baordlane TV we wish Kaci Fennel well in her future endeavors. This is Wendy reporting live. Now back to our studio

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Jan 26, 2015

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!”

“A Soh It Goh!”

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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Boardlane TV: Good day ladies and gentlemen. Bordlane TV news has just learned that Adidja ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer and his three co-accused were just sentenced to life in prison for the  murder of Clive ‘Lizard’ Williams. Some Jamaicans are vividly upset with the verdict while some camps believe the verdict was just.  I have a  young man standing next to me who says he is a supporter of the dancehall DJ, has something to say about the verdict. Go ahead, young man.

Blinkas: (Shouting angrily) Mek mi show unu dis now massive.. yuh si all a dis blurtnaught sheggries weh dem a put poor people troo, wi naah blurneet tek it soh! Wi dun si seh dem  a use Kartel as scapegoat fi put fear inna ghetto yute but mi waan di World Boss fi know seh *WI*  naah goh stap fight fi im freedom an wi naah stap seh soh!!

Boardlane TV:  May I ask how are you and the rest of supporters planning onbe fighting for his freedom? Explain?

Blinkas: (Pauses) Well…well wi can do some tings like… like eehhh.. like put aan some stage show or.. well troo wi noh have noh funds an ting dat ago tough fi do still.  A noh nutte dow. Wi  can gwaan mek some chune fi blaze up fiyah pan di oppression weh dem a put poor people troo, n’aah mean. But world boss fi free up! GAZA STRAIGHT!

Boardlane TV: OK I guess freedom songs will help indeed. Never worked before but you can never tell. Let me get to this little miss who is in tears. Come over here sweetheart.  What is going on?

Shazzy: (Wailing) Mi mumma! Dem kill Kartel!  Woooiieieee Kartel dead nung!

Boardlane TV:  Miss, why are you saying that. He is not dead.

Shazzy: (Still wailing) Might as well dem did kill im. How di backside im a goh manige inna jail fi di ress a im life?! How im ago survive widout di cake soap fi soh long?! Look how im skin did a buss soh nice an pretty. Yuh know all dem ago do now a mek im tan a jail an tun back black an dry dung to nutten. (Drops to the ground and rolling) Woooiieieee Kartel mi feel it fi yuh! Waaiiiiiii! Mi baby faada dead oyyyyeeee! Dancehall noh good again oyyyeee!!!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear, we may need an ambulance for this one. Moving on now to this man who is eager to make a comment. What do you think of the verdict and was it just in your opinion?

Bradley: Yes! Yes! Yes! A dat di lickle brute fi get! Every day dem a walk a talk bout dem a bad man fram birt. Well seet deh! A dat bad man get fi tek up badmanship pan im head. Dem blasted careliss bway love chuck badniss to much an cyaan hangle di consequence.

Ruffus: (Cursing as he walks by)  MOVE an GWEH  ediat bway! Yuh sour like lime! Kartel help out more yute inna di ghetto more dan anyting. A wan man di boss kill an dem come gi im LIFE?! How dat fi fair? Man, goh bade yuh dutty self an come affa Kartel name!

Bradley: Now hear dis ignorant jackass bout a wan man im kill soh di verdict noh fair. Yuh hear dat trupiness miss TV lady?! A dem kina fawt Kartel followers chat day in, day out like dem brain a wan big empty dry coknat! Dyam fool!

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) Thank you for your opinion, sir and try to avoid further confrontation. We don’t want to see you get hurt. Next we have an elderly lady who wants to speak to our viewers. Go right ahead.

Hilda: (Hands akimbo) Yes mam. Tideh mi suppose to deh a market a mine mi stall but mi decide fi come a court fi come hear dis sentance fi myself. Mi decide seh mi noh waan hear it pan TV, less mi goh paas out an nobaddy noh deh roun mi fi crape mi up. When mi lissen to di Judge good an hear har a chat an a chat an den all of a suden shi goh soh – BAM – 35 to Life pan yuh head tap! I tan up deh a piss up di wan good drawz mi wear tideh.

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Does that mean you did not like the verdict?

Hilda: NO SAH! Nat a dyam! Aldowe mi noh believe a im kill Lizzad, mi coulda deal wid 6 monts to a year caah dem have im a prison soh lang from 19 how lang dat im serve a good amount a time arreid di fi di lilly bway weh dem seh dead. Im coulda all deh a Mandeville a lay low now an a watch weh poor Kartel a goh troo and a laugh. But Gad naah sleep. If Lizzad really a tek dis ting fi joke, im is a WIKID  sucka! (Screaming in the mike) LIZZAD! Di joke dun now! Come from affa di hill an come talk di troot mek dem free World Boss Yuh is nat a Lizzad but a blasted SERPENT fi mek dem a do di poor bway soh!

Boardlane TV: (Raised eye brows) Miss, “Lizard” is in fact dead. Where are you coming from with this theory?

Hilda: Look yah lady. Yuh look like yuh did goh good school, soh doan talk what yuh doanknow. How di backside yuh know dat?! Mi haffi si Lizzad dead bady before me believe any ting di liyad police dem seh. Di dutty bway a hide weh upppa Mandeville. Believe mi when mi tell yuh dat. Mi dream bout it laas week. Awoh!!

Boardlane TV:OK Miss.. I think you will never be persuaded otherwise. Thank you. Young lady come over hearr and give us the final comment of the day. What you have to say about today’s verdict?

Lorna: (Steps forward) Well, me personally noh feel sarry fi Kartel. Some a dem feel seh caah dem a big artist dem can jus walk an kill as dem please an get weh wid it. May Gad help im inna jail caah by di time im come outta jail im naah goh name World Boss again. Dem ago call im “Lizzad” jus like di bway weh im kill.

Boardlane TV:  How so?

Lorna: (grins) Yuh noh si how im start change color arredi. A ongle lizzad wan mi si change color soh often. Wan minute im white an nex minute im black an dem im tun white again to backfoot. Im nex color change ago bi grey when im tun ole man a walk outta prison. He heya! What a ting! Kartel a life yaah baby.. yuh do di crime bossy, yuh haffi do di time. Dats all.

Boardlane TV: Well that is a great place to end this interview. Thank you so much for you all for tuning into Boardlane TV. We promise to bring you much more on this very divisive case and verdict as things unfold. This is Wendy reporting live. Now back to our studios.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright April  3rd, 2014

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!”

“A Soh It Goh!”

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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BAORDLANE TV BRODACAST: WILL JAMAICANS PULL THE THREAD ON THEIR WEAVES? (Jamaican Spoof)

Customs Commissioner, Major Richard Reese recently announced that the Customs Department will be collecting taxes on the import of human hair weaves. According to recent reports, weave imports have reached JM$1 billion and now the government wants a bigger piece of the pie. Boardlane TV took to the streets to find out how local hairdressers and customers feel about the imposed tax on this commodity.

Boardlane TV: Hi folks, I am in the middle of a street corner “salon” located on Princess Street in downtown, Kingston. This corner is bustling with folks having hear extensions done and we are eager to get their feedback on the weave tax that is about to affect them. We have someone here who wants to weigh in. Go ahead, miss.

Pinkey: (Lips pouted) Hello! Mi is a hair bootichian fi ova 15 years now an mi neva have been seen such sheggries like dis yet! I doan know why di jancrow dem noh hop affa poor people! Wi already a pay tax pan di spritz dem. Wah more dem waan? Wan bakkle a spritz a fi $450 dalla plus tax. Den silva glitta is aneda $250 plus tax. When mi dun pay fi all a dat now, mi cyaan even afford a backle a hair aile fi grease dung di people dem dry head. Di set a jancrow dem out fi kill wi aff wid tax!

Boardlane TV: So do you think this is unfair? Is the government taking advantage of the upsurge of weaves in the country?

Pinkey: Of course di parasite dem a tek libatty wid wi! Di weave dem tax before dem lef China and as dem reach a airport dem tax dem again. Den when dem put dem pan truck, dem put aan highway tax pan dem again. Fi tek dem affa di truck a di warehouse ..dem tax it backside again. Kiss mi toe nail bway! Fram a bawn a neva si such wikidness!

Boardlane TV: Oh my! You seems to be up-to-date on all sorts of imaginary tax. Thanks for chatting with me. (Moves to another section) Hi Miss, I see you are getting a fancy do. Are you concerned that such a hair-style will one day be too expensive for you to get?

Perline: Well lady, yuh noh know how it goh. Welcome to land of wood, water an weaves. A yah soh poor people money spend.  If a di laas lickle money wi have, it haffi spen pan wi hair, clothes an finganail.

Boardlane TV: So your priority will always be your hair no matter what it cost?

Perline: It noh matta mi weh dem waan tax, enoh lady. All mi do, if push come to shove di hair can wash an dry pan clothes line an re-use til every strawn a hair drop outta di track. Mi noh cyaah, becausen seh my hair haffi look bash pan a certain level. Long, curly an pretty-pretty, yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: Very interesting. (Speaking to the hairdresser ) So do you agree with your client that the tax will not affect you and your business, young lady?

Munchie: (Busy sewing in weave) Baby doll, govament luckia dan mi yaah. Dem naah stap my progress caah everybody a wear weave. A it a di in ting like Tessanne Chin. Trus mi! Dem fi portian out di tax dem prappa dowe. Some  a di pack dem come wid stringy-stringy hair weh cyaan siddung pan people head right an prappa! Is a sin fi pay tax pan dem deh bad-breed hair deh.

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) I am sure you do not expect the government to spend time to decipher what is quality hair from what is not – right?

Munchie: (Still busy sewing in weave) How yuh mean?!  If dem ago demands dat we pay more tax, wi a demand dat dem sen good hair come gi wi. All Portia she, shi betta come dung yah come mek mi put wan sensible weave inna har head. Di tiyad bang shi have fram 1972 waan upgrade. (Grabbing the Mike) Portia come dung a Princess street an ask fi Munchie, yuh hear? A me do Macka Diamond hair fi Sting. Aldowe shi did flop out, har hair style did slap weh!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Ok ladies, thanks for your comments. I would love to hear from a male. Which one of you gentleman would like to comment on the weave tax?

Richie: (Raise his hands) Mi have something fi seh, sistren. Mi noh stap seh, oh what a web dem a weave when dem practice fi deceive wi!  Why dese women woan grow wah already deh pan dem head? A dat a baffle mi to bombawt!

Perline: (Shouts angrily) Shut up yuh blasted mout! Weh yuh noh practice fi comb yuh blinking head weh tough like dem blasted steel wool weh can scowa pot!

Richie: (Argues back) At least a fi mi head dis a grow fram di root straight to di stem! Di govament fi charge yuh tax fi a walk roun wid dat deh vampire face to. Yuh dyam face full a more dent dan di cyar dem a junk yaad to rahtid. Tek weh yuhself gyal!

Boardlane TV: (Signals) OK, OK! You are live on TV. Please stop the fussing and continue your remarks to our viewers. You were saying?

Richie: Yes, sistren. Sarry! Mi was a seh dat if dem neva did a hitch aan soh much false hair pan dem head govament wudden have weave fi tax. A dem put dat pan dem head – literally and figarately! Dem fi knot up dem head like rasta an get back in touch wid dem roots.

Perline: (Still arguing) Nobadddy noh waan dem head full a lice like fi yuh! Look like dat deh head noh wash fram yuh come outta yuh mumma belly! Gweh dutty bway!

Boardlane TV: (Alarmed) Oh sweet Jesus! Sir, you can go now. Thanks for the comments. Is there anyone else in favor of the tax who would like to speak on camera?

Maxine: (Steps forward) Well, I have to say I agree wid di tax. Mi noh too pree di weave ting caah mi try it wan time an mi head scratch out mi daylight whole day soh til mi haffi tear ie aff. But mi sista dem love it! If dem can tax hanbag, jewelry an odda accessories, dem can tax hair to.

Boardlane TV:  So you are saying that hair weaves should be classified as an accessory?

Maxine: (Nods) Yes, yes, yes! My sista dem wear dem like any accessory! Dem noh goh noh weh widdout it. Dem all have wig fi every day a di week inna all sorta color. Weh di govament fi tax to a di blasted bat lash weh dem put pan dem yeye to. Mi a defen taxing false anyting!  All di fake Rasta dem fi get tax to. Some a dem have aan di natty locks but dem naah deal wid Rasta principles. A nyam up di Trenton like it a goh outta style. Yes, a wi seh tax fi tun up pan all falsity! Chat bout!

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Tax, tax and more tax! Well, folks you heard what the people had to say. It appears some folks will have to hold on tight to their extensions and wigs, because weave taxes are coming in with gale force wind speed. This is Wendy reporting live from Princess Street. Now back to the studios.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  January 14^th, 2014

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!”

“A Soh It Goh!”

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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The Voice’s final 10 singers assembled for a live two-hour battle last night. The night was punctuated by a “cameo” appearance from Olympian Usain Bolt. When it was her time, Tessanne Chin gave another powerful rendition of “If I was your woman.” With nine other contestants who performed, Boardlane TV is Live in Portmore, Jamaica to obtain feedback from  the viewers of the show.

Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from outside a shopping Mall in Portmore. I have a young lady standing next to me who identified herself  as an avid viewer and a loyal Tessanne fan. So miss, we know you are a Tessanne fan, are there any other favorites you have in the show?

Felicia: (Nods) No sah! To tell yuh troot half a dem boring noh puss front! Wan lily gyal pan di show name Caroline, Gad know seh shi fi use Google maps an goh fine har bloody yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?

Felicia: Nat a backside! An doan even get mi started pan di loud mout gyal name, Kat. Why di blurtbeet rouna fi har yeye dem haffi always soh black like di pot dem inna mi kitchen?  Every week it come een like shi beg smaddy tump har inna har yeye before shi touch di stage. Den di black vampire wan wid im zip up sleeve, Ceelo, a come talk bout Kat have 9 live. Well so does DUPPY an if shi noh fayva wan mi change mi name to Medusa!

Boardlane TV: OK then. Very strong feelings there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Now, you sir have been waiting patiently to speak to me. What is your take on the top 10 performers?

Ranny: (Shaking head side-to-side) Baby doll, mi siddung inna mi settee a pree how Miss Chin a sing out har heart an soul to mi. Laas night shi mek it clear to mi dat  if she was MY WOMAN, mi wouden waan noh more ooman an shi woulda mek mi weak like a goat!

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) That should be like a “lamb”, sir. The word in the song is, “lamb.”

Ranny: Goat-Lamb… same dyam ting caah di two a dem can curry! Weh mi a try seh is, shi look straight inna di camera an tell mi seh me is a part of har an mi jus noh know yet. An shi waan mi but shi too fraid fi show it.  Oh Gad, a feel it to mi BONE! (Closing his eyes) Oh Tessy, I need yuh caressing and loving, baby. (Licks lips)

Tina: (Slaps across his head) Ranny! Weh di rahtid yuh jus seh, big head?! Yuh tink mi noh si yuh ova yah a drip mout wata ova di nice, nice woman weh nat even know wan ting bout yuh an yuh bruck  ass!

Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) Excuse me. Boardlane TV, here. Who are you?

Tina:  Mi a di wifie, Miss lady. Mi si im ova yah a chat to yuh soh mi seh mek mi walk ova an hear what unu talking bout. Only fi hear im an im ransid mout a chat bout Tess want him. Coo im to. Fayva dem blastid croakin’ lizzad!

Boardlane TV: Never mind him. I’m sure it was all innocent. Well, I asked your husband to give me his take on the Voice last night. Do you have anything to say about any of the contestants?

Tina: Yes, as a matter of fact, I does have some tings to seh. Tess, yuh ting shell dung but sweetie, a when yuh ago bruck out di dub plate mek wi hear some reggae music? Come een like Adam noh know weh di fawt im a do wid yuh except fi a stare inna yuh yeye like im si matta in deh! Look yah noh Adam, Miss Chin nat trying to headline show inna Pegasus hotel, enoh. Di ooman a try get top a di line intanational career! Tap gi di ooman sang weh drap affa di chart fram whappy kill phillup an bring har up to di forty-first century! Cho r@@s man!

Ranny: Yes, a true ting mi wife a seh. Leggo di reggae pan di crowd Tessy, but noh sing noh more sang to mi caah yuh a cause worries inna mi house. Love yuh bad, bad, bad!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) You two are a funny bunch. You can go now and Miss, go easy on your husband. It was just fantasy.  Moving along. Sir, would you like to share your views on any of the contestants of the show?

Ringo:  Trus mi, a nuff tings di Don waan seh still but hear wah…mek a seh sinting bout di yute weh name James Worl-Pit or whateva im waan name…

Boardlane TV: Do you mean James Wolpert, sir?

Ringo: (Shrugs) Yes, dah punk deh! Mi waan fi know weh di blurtneet di bredda goh tek aan high note weh im cyaan manige fah? Di yute set fi goh high wan time an mi swear im sh!t up im pants. Mi bet any money seh im all buss out im pant cratches pan di stage an dem haffi change im roun a back deh. BLURTNAUGHT! Di bway nearly buss up mi ears drum to banana trash!

Boardlane TV: So clearly you didn’t like his performance, ah?

Ringo: No Star! Adam mite as well gi im wan lollipop an sen im home to im mumma fi Chrismuss. As far as mi si, a ongly Tess wan fi deh pan fi im team. Waste a time di whole lot a dem!

Boardlane TV: You held back nothing at all for sure. Thanks for the comments and we have just enough time left for one more person. Let me grab this young lady with her shopping bags. Miss, Boardlane TV reporting. Would you like to share with us your take in the top 10 performances on the Voice?

Nino: Ah yes, that show! The highlight for me was when Usain Bolt show im face fi seh im come fi support  Tessanne. Bad enough di yankee dem haffi get a buss assin pan di track an now Usain Bolt come pan di Voice fi mek di whole a di singas dem know seh Tess ago put aan more buss assin pan dem Jamaican-style! Lawd, it noh pretty!

Boardlane TV: So you think this is going to be another win for Jamaica, ah?

Nino: No question bout dat! Mite as well dem start line up di podium an get ready fi hice up di flag backa Tessanne and mek shi sing di national antem. It is going to be an Olympic style victory where Tessanne wins by a long-slide. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV: Who do you think will be the runner up?

Nino: (Kiss teet) It noh matta mi enoh lady, soh as long as di whole a dem come dead laas backa har, in the name of Jesus. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV:  OK, there you have it. One viewer has just predicted a win for the Jamaican songstress by a “long-slide” – whatever that means. This is Wendy reporting from Portmore shopping plaza. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  November 19th, 2013

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!”

“A Soh It Goh!”

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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As the government shut down continues, an exasperated President Barack Obama called in Speaker of the house, John Boehner, for talks in attempt to end the stalemate. The Speaker emerged from the talks very shaken and visibly in tears, claiming “ the President got straight Jamaican on me, man.” Boardlane TV obtained a voice recording of what went down behind closed doors during the talk. Take a listen.

Boehner: Hey there, Mister President! Thanks for inviting me to the White House for this talk. (Smiling) Nice tie, by the way.

Barack: (Grimacing) Jus sit yuh backside dung an noh come grin yuh big teet dem wid mi! Right now mi inna no joke bizness wid yuh! (Points)  Pree dis, yuh si dis problem weh yuh an di ress a cow ticks dem inna di House a cause, unu betta sort it out proppa before unu get mi cross like Bounty Killa!

Boehner: (Eyes wide open) Wait a minute, Mister President. You’re Jamaican?!  Hot dam! Man, I thought you were from Kenya, dude! And who’s “Bounty Killa?” His he from  AlQueda?

Barack: YOW! Noh ask mi noh bombawt question bout Al Queda an stick to di matta before mi subtract yuh front teet. A long time mi a kip mi cool but unu gwaan soh til unu draw out di Yaadie outta mi an mek mi RED!  (Stroking his chin) Soh when yuh an di fassy dem ago open up back di govament? Talk to mi!

Boehner: (Sighs) Well you see, Mister President, like we said days ago, we are willing to open up the government if you just stop handing out Health Care like candy to the American people. The American people don’t need health care. What the people want is more freedom, Mister President.

Barack: But a weh di kacka-tail yuh a chat bout, Bonah? How yuh mean di people dem noh waan healthcare! Man like yuh noh know nutten bout poor people plight an a my policy yuh waan come undamine. Mi tell yuh arredi an mi naah tell yuh again, mi naah mek NO deal pan di people dem ‘Bamacare! Yuh noh si nuff a di people dem inna Ted Cruz distric waan good dentis  fi get dem teet fix! Everyday yuh si di blasted people dem pan TV wid wan bag a ratten teet inna dem blinking mout! Dem need di ‘Bamacare soh dem can goh tek care a dat nastiness!

Boehner: That is not the point though, sir. (Sighs)  Look dude, I got a whole lotta them redneck bastard holding me hostage in the house. I ain’t trying to look like a punk in front of them. Please give me a little something, Mister President.  Please!

Barack: Yow orange face termite! Yuh already look like a lickle punk!!  Every minute  yuh a walk roun a bawl like a lickle sissy an a wipe aff yuh nose naught pan yuh shut sleeve.  Yuh know what your problem is, yuh an di Tea-Pot posse a try raise up ‘gainst di general an a instigate fi bring dung everyting Federal. But watch an si how unu plot ago flop. Real talk dat, bredrin!

Boehner: (Nervous laugh) No sir! Not true. All we want is compromise. Just a little compromise and we’ll open back the government and we’ll have a laugh about it on the golf course.

Barack: How ‘bout mi mek mi boot heel compromise wid yuh dankey face! Yuh tek bad man fi fool?! Laas time mi gi yuh compromise, yuh goh pan news an diss big man like yuh tink mi a di sausage nyaming bobo-dread weh marrid yuh knock knee dawta.

Boehner: It won’t happen again, I promise you. Throw me a bone please!!

Barack: Rasta, mi noh have noh boombeet bone a gi yuh! (Threatening stare) Lissen to mi boss man, noh mek mi get irate an set Bo fi bite out anneda hole inna yuh crusty b@tty! Di whole a unu betta stap tess mi patience before mi squeeze off a rocket fram mi drone an wipe out di whole a unu like how Hurricane Sandy wipe out Jersey!

Boehner: Naah ah! Not the drones. Calm down, bro! Look, what if we settle on another tax cut for the 1 %? How does that sound?

Barack: What if mi gi yuh uppa cut crass yuh jawbone?! How dat soun?

Boehner: (Flustered) Errrr.. OK, I guess no more tax cuts. Seriously, is there anything we can agree on today, sir? This damn Speakership is kicking my ass man!  Give me something to take back to the house, please sir!

Barack: (Pulls him up by the collar) Mi seh fi open up back di blurtneet govament! A work mi come fi work ..a noh fowl mi come fi jerk! Wi seh wi naah retreat an wi naah surrenda!

Boehner: OK, sir. Let me go back and talk to the caucus. I’m going to try my best but you know my hands are tied. They’re trying to take me down, man!

Barack: Eeh, EEh. What a stress! Welcome to di party, cockroach! Now move from in front a mi before mi blow faas like a gas cylinda! If yuh know wah good fi yuh, come affa dis suicide mission caah a dead yuh out fi dead like cell phone battery. (Sipping alcohol)  Mi deh yah soh a sip pan mi tigerbone blen up wid some tequila an a watch yuh movements.

Boehner: (Head hung low and sobbing) Man, this ain’t right!  I hate this stupid job!

 © Written by Joelle C. Wright  October 4, 2013

Books by the Author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!“

“A Soh It Goh!“

“A Soh Dem Gwaan

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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The Voice finally went live on Nov 4th, with Team Adam and Team Blake giving performances throughout the night. However, the NBC show saved the best for last. The Jamaican songstress, Tessanne Chin, absolutely stole the show with her mind-blowing soulful rendition of Jimmy Cliff‘s “Many Rivers To Cross.” With the voting round now open, Boardlane TV wanted to get insights on how Jamaicans showed their support for Tessanne Chin.
Boardlane TV: Good day to all, I am here reporting from Emancipation Park in Kingston where we are trying to learn just how Jamaicans supported Tessanne’s latest stellar performance on The Voice. Standing next to me is a St. Andrew’s High school student. Tell us your name and did you vote for the hometown star last night?
Jessica: (Excited) Oh My God! Mi cyaan believe mi deh pan TV. (Waving) Hi Mommy! Mi Daddy! Hello everyone, my name is Jessica Ann-Marie Chin. And yes, I did vote for Tessanne Chin. She was magnificent!

Boardlane TV:: Incidentally you both have the same last name. Any relations by chance?
Jessica: Miss, a wish dat she was mi sista or even mi Auntie because at least mi schoolmate dem would fren mi up more. Di only time dem waan fren mi up an when dem cyaan do dem Maths homework. Fram yuh last name a “Chin” dem jus automatically tink seh yuh brite like stadium bulb. So to ansa di question… unfartunately wi nat related.
Boardlane TV:: OK. Fair enough. How did you vote for Tessanne?
Jessica: Well, I did plan fi gi har 30 votes. Mi vote pan mi Digicel 10 times. Den mi barrow mi daddy phone an vote wan next 10 time. Mi ask mi bredda fi len mi fi im phone but as usual, di jackass noh have noh credit pan fi im phone. (Gestures with her fingers) Soh dat is 30 vote minus di 20… dat lef only 10 votes. Soh as yuh can see mi bredda mek mi short 10 vote in total. A bex yuh si.
Boardlane TV:: Wow! You are truly one hell of a Math brains. Well, I am sure she appreciates the 20 votes, nevertheless. Moving along to this young fellow wearing a “TEAM BREAD and BUTTA” t-shirt. Did you cast your vote last night, young man?
Phensic: Easy noh nice lady, yuh waan si seh a by di grace a di Almighty mek mi get fi si di show laas night. Bi blastid powa people dem lack aaf big man light 2 mont now an a bare flashlight a do mi ting. An yuh know seh flash light cyaan operate Television.
Boardlane TV:: That’s true. So with no electricity, did you go somewhere else to watch the show?
Phensic: (Shrugs) Naah man! Di bredda weh live side a mi have light, soh all mi do a jus itch up wan line pan im powa line an tief lickle light fi di hour. A soh mi ketch di show. But mi neva get fi vote dowe. (Kiss teet) Noh phone noh inna di house an mi noh buy noh charga fi di cellular yet. Suffaration a kill mi sistren. But a wi seh Tessanne to di worrrll! STRAIGHT!!
Boardlane TV:: That is an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing. (Walking over to another area) Hey sir, seeing as you are clutching a Bible, it appears you are a man of the church. Have you tuned into the TV show, The Voice? Also, do you have any idea what’s going on with Tessanne Chin?
Pastor Lewin: (Hand akimbo) Sista TV smaddy, mi noh live unda fowl roost enoh. Of course mi watch di Voice! Fram di show start mi tell mi congregation seh mi naah do noh more praya meeting pan Mondays. Mi tell dem fi tan a dem yaad an ask Gad fi showa im blessings pan Miss Chin caah mi cyaan badda wid dem an dem worries pan Monday night.
Boardlane TV:: Oh! So you shifted priorities! So what’s your take on her performance and did you vote?
Pastor Lewin: Sista…blessed be to Jesas di son of God because laas night my yeye did see wan angel pan di TV! What a lilly gyal pretty like money! Halleeluu! Den di frack jus hug up har hip tight like bad man fist. Halleeluu!! Sista, when shi a sing “many rivas to cross”… mi git up an ketch inna spirit an bawl out, PUPPA JESAS, I CANNA CROSS DIS RIVA! (Rocking side to side) GLORY! Hallilujah! I said, Maasa Gad! Tek mi to yuh Kingdom now an sen Miss Chin come to mi!
Boardlane TV:: OK Pastor. Calm down a bit, sir! Did you vote?
Pastor Lewin: No enoh Sista. Mi was soh ovacome wid emotions an di Holy Sprit dat mi paas out flat a grung when shi dun sing di sang. Me is a very sarry smaddy. Nex time mi wi kip mi foot pan more solid ground soh mi can get in mi vote dem. Halleeluu!!
Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) You are something else. Let’s move on to this lady who is actually selling the Observer highlighting the story. Miss, we want to know how Jamaicans threw their support around Tess last night. Did you vote and how did you vote?
Pepsi: (Puts down her stack of papers) Well, mi glad dem finally call election fi di show. An mi like fi dem election caah yuh can double up pan di vote dem nuff time. Mi vote soh til mi finga dem scaach aff to rahtid! When dem cut mi aff, mi tek taxi goh a mi Sista yaad goh fine out if mi can vote pan fi har lan line. Shi tell mi seh shi dun aff fi har vote dem an mi cyaan use har phone.
Boardlane TV:(Chuckles) Wow. So you paid for a taxi just to add more votes? Did you feel that you wasted time and money since you could not vote on your sister’s phone?
Pepsi: Lady, mi wi climb blue mountain peak wid mi bad knee an swim troo sewage wata fi mek sure seh Tessanne get har rightful amount a vote. Dem fi gi wi more dan 10 vote causen seh fi a small island wi deserve bout hundred an odd to infinity, plus tax!
Boardlane TV: But you did at least give her all 10 votes, right?
Pepsi: Afta yuh neva mek mi dun tell mi story! Afta mi fine out seh mi sista nyam up all a fi har vote dem, mi set mi clock fi rise before cock put aan im drawz. Mi call wan nex taxi fi drap mi aff a “Print Plus” as soon as dem door open. Mi write mi name an address pan pieca paypa an beg di owna man fi fax off 10 more vote a farrin fi mi dis marning. (Beats her chest) A soh mi goh to work! Support fi Tess by any means necessary, mi love!
Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Faxing votes, ah? That is certainly a new and innovative way of voting. Well viewers, you have heard it here. Jamaicans doing the most bizarre things to ensure they throw all their support behind Tessanne Chin. This is Wendy reporting from Emancipation Park. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright September 25, 2013
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
“A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
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The 55th Annual Grammys paid tribute to Bob Marley on Sunday with a segment featuring Rihanna, Sting, Bruno Mars, and the late reggae icon’s sons Ziggy and Damian. What was a well-anticipated event from viewers all over the world, including Jamaicans; Boardlane TV gets feedback from Jamaicans living in the Atlanta area.

Boardlane TV: Good day, I am here live with Vivia who wants to share her opinion on the tribute. Vivia, you are one of many who watched the Bob Marley tribute at the Grammys. Tell us what you thought of it.

Vivia: Well fuss to begin, mi noh really watch Grammy to dat caah more time a bare drunkard pan it. But mi sista call mi seh mi was to chune in caah dem about fi do wan Bob tribute. Soh mi tun to di station an siddung deh a wait. Mi wait an wait soh til mi get hungry an decide seh mi ago set aan a pot a parridge….

Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Just get to your opinion, please. We have only a few short minutes on the air.

Vivia: Lawd misiss, mek yuh a rush mi soh?! Mek mi hassemble mi toughts inna mi head noh! Cho! Anyway, soh afta 1 hour wait dem goh soh – BOOM! Time fi di tribute. An mi siddung wid mi frack tail lap an a salivate. Mi si wan lickle midget come aan name, Bruno. (Pauses) Yuh know seh a soh mi lickle, puppy daag name to? Ah-rite back to di ting now. Soh when Bruno come aan im a sing bout “Locked Out Of Heaven.” Same time mi call back mi sista an ask har a wah year Bob did buss dah chune deh caah mi neva hear Bob a sing nutten bout Maasa Gad lack im outta heaven.

Boardlane TV: Well, that is not one of Bob’s songs. That is a Bruno Mars song.

Vivia: Dat is prexactly right! Dat a how comes mi get canfuse now caah mi tink a Bob dem a tribute. Fi tell yuh di troot, mi a look fi si Bruno tan up pan wan stool – to how im is a shorty-poop-stick, an play im guitar an sing some “Redemption Song.”  If im neva know noh Bob chune im coulda Google an fine wan an practice fi sing it. Dat lickle, tumpa foot bway is very slack an outta arda fi a come pan Bob tribute tribute a promote fi im chune. Dat is RENKNISS! An mi nat very pleased!

Boardlane TV: Well, it is fair to say you don’t approve. Does anyone standing around here think that the tribute was done fairly well? Sir, do you want to respond to that question?

Michael: Sistren, all now mi a wait pan di tribute. Di fus two weh come aan neva sing noh Bob chune soh when mi si Ri-Ri come out an a skank mi seh, ah-rite shi come wdi sinting good. But di more shi skank an a beat up har chess, all mi a si a di tattoo brazier shi a wear unda har shut. Mi chune har out sed time. All now mi cudden tell yuh weh shi sing seh.

Boardlane TV: Ok sir thanks. No one liked the tribute? How about when the Marley brothers performed?

Felicia: (Steps forward) Well Ziggy coulda paas. At least im sing wan a im faada sang dem. When Junior Gong come aan now, a some DJ bizness im a come wid an mek di whole a di people dem a di Grammy canfuse to backside! All Ellen DeGeneres tap dance an a look like – A weh di…??! When yuh si Ellen tap dance yuh muss know seh sinting is VERY wrang!

Donna: (Chimes in) And unu did si how Damian locks lang dung a grung? Mi did jus a pray seh im noh tan deh jump an land pan di locks an pitch ova an grung. A woulda dead wid laff to blousecut! Dat woulda mek di wait wortwhile.

Boardlane TV: So again, no one liked any of the tribute?

Jessica: Oh God. At least dem did try. Plus everybady did a drap asleep inna di room until dat part come aan. Everybady git up an a rock two side. Dung to my girl, Nicole Kidman did a try move, aldowe shi stiff like rigamortis set pan har. Shi a dance an a ongle di neck yuh si a move. Every weh else pan har bady refuse fi budge. Soh mi gi dem a lickle bly fi lively up di place.

Terrence: (Disagrees) No star! Mi naah gi dem noh bly a puss tail!  It did too blinking shart to! Mi waan fi know dis. If dem did a do wan tribute to Whitney Houston, dem woulda mek people goh up deh goh sing Brittany Spears sang? As far as mi si, a diss dem diss Bob. Di way how dem do di ting, dem coulda raise di man outta im grave fi  shat dem a carton bax an run dem affa di blurtnaught stage. Dem fi run weh wid dat sheggries!

Boardlane TV: Interesting. Thank you all for your candid remarks. It appears that the tribute may have not been well received by most Jamaican viewers. We hope that the Grammys will take another stab at a tribute worthy of praise the next time around. This has been Wendy reporting live from Atlanta. Thanks for tuning in to Boardlane

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  February 11, 2013

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!”

“A Soh It Goh!”

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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