The Voice finally went live on Nov 4th, with Team Adam and Team Blake giving performances throughout the night. However, the NBC show saved the best for last. The Jamaican songstress, Tessanne Chin, absolutely stole the show with her mind-blowing soulful rendition of Jimmy Cliff‘s “Many Rivers To Cross.” With the voting round now open, Boardlane TV wanted to get insights on how Jamaicans showed their support for Tessanne Chin.
Boardlane TV: Good day to all, I am here reporting from Emancipation Park in Kingston where we are trying to learn just how Jamaicans supported Tessanne’s latest stellar performance on The Voice. Standing next to me is a St. Andrew’s High school student. Tell us your name and did you vote for the hometown star last night?
Jessica: (Excited) Oh My God! Mi cyaan believe mi deh pan TV. (Waving) Hi Mommy! Mi Daddy! Hello everyone, my name is Jessica Ann-Marie Chin. And yes, I did vote for Tessanne Chin. She was magnificent!

Boardlane TV:: Incidentally you both have the same last name. Any relations by chance?
Jessica: Miss, a wish dat she was mi sista or even mi Auntie because at least mi schoolmate dem would fren mi up more. Di only time dem waan fren mi up an when dem cyaan do dem Maths homework. Fram yuh last name a “Chin” dem jus automatically tink seh yuh brite like stadium bulb. So to ansa di question… unfartunately wi nat related.
Boardlane TV:: OK. Fair enough. How did you vote for Tessanne?
Jessica: Well, I did plan fi gi har 30 votes. Mi vote pan mi Digicel 10 times. Den mi barrow mi daddy phone an vote wan next 10 time. Mi ask mi bredda fi len mi fi im phone but as usual, di jackass noh have noh credit pan fi im phone. (Gestures with her fingers) Soh dat is 30 vote minus di 20… dat lef only 10 votes. Soh as yuh can see mi bredda mek mi short 10 vote in total. A bex yuh si.
Boardlane TV:: Wow! You are truly one hell of a Math brains. Well, I am sure she appreciates the 20 votes, nevertheless. Moving along to this young fellow wearing a “TEAM BREAD and BUTTA” t-shirt. Did you cast your vote last night, young man?
Phensic: Easy noh nice lady, yuh waan si seh a by di grace a di Almighty mek mi get fi si di show laas night. Bi blastid powa people dem lack aaf big man light 2 mont now an a bare flashlight a do mi ting. An yuh know seh flash light cyaan operate Television.
Boardlane TV:: That’s true. So with no electricity, did you go somewhere else to watch the show?
Phensic: (Shrugs) Naah man! Di bredda weh live side a mi have light, soh all mi do a jus itch up wan line pan im powa line an tief lickle light fi di hour. A soh mi ketch di show. But mi neva get fi vote dowe. (Kiss teet) Noh phone noh inna di house an mi noh buy noh charga fi di cellular yet. Suffaration a kill mi sistren. But a wi seh Tessanne to di worrrll! STRAIGHT!!
Boardlane TV:: That is an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing. (Walking over to another area) Hey sir, seeing as you are clutching a Bible, it appears you are a man of the church. Have you tuned into the TV show, The Voice? Also, do you have any idea what’s going on with Tessanne Chin?
Pastor Lewin: (Hand akimbo) Sista TV smaddy, mi noh live unda fowl roost enoh. Of course mi watch di Voice! Fram di show start mi tell mi congregation seh mi naah do noh more praya meeting pan Mondays. Mi tell dem fi tan a dem yaad an ask Gad fi showa im blessings pan Miss Chin caah mi cyaan badda wid dem an dem worries pan Monday night.
Boardlane TV:: Oh! So you shifted priorities! So what’s your take on her performance and did you vote?
Pastor Lewin: Sista…blessed be to Jesas di son of God because laas night my yeye did see wan angel pan di TV! What a lilly gyal pretty like money! Halleeluu! Den di frack jus hug up har hip tight like bad man fist. Halleeluu!! Sista, when shi a sing “many rivas to cross”… mi git up an ketch inna spirit an bawl out, PUPPA JESAS, I CANNA CROSS DIS RIVA! (Rocking side to side) GLORY! Hallilujah! I said, Maasa Gad! Tek mi to yuh Kingdom now an sen Miss Chin come to mi!
Boardlane TV:: OK Pastor. Calm down a bit, sir! Did you vote?
Pastor Lewin: No enoh Sista. Mi was soh ovacome wid emotions an di Holy Sprit dat mi paas out flat a grung when shi dun sing di sang. Me is a very sarry smaddy. Nex time mi wi kip mi foot pan more solid ground soh mi can get in mi vote dem. Halleeluu!!
Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) You are something else. Let’s move on to this lady who is actually selling the Observer highlighting the story. Miss, we want to know how Jamaicans threw their support around Tess last night. Did you vote and how did you vote?
Pepsi: (Puts down her stack of papers) Well, mi glad dem finally call election fi di show. An mi like fi dem election caah yuh can double up pan di vote dem nuff time. Mi vote soh til mi finga dem scaach aff to rahtid! When dem cut mi aff, mi tek taxi goh a mi Sista yaad goh fine out if mi can vote pan fi har lan line. Shi tell mi seh shi dun aff fi har vote dem an mi cyaan use har phone.
Boardlane TV:(Chuckles) Wow. So you paid for a taxi just to add more votes? Did you feel that you wasted time and money since you could not vote on your sister’s phone?
Pepsi: Lady, mi wi climb blue mountain peak wid mi bad knee an swim troo sewage wata fi mek sure seh Tessanne get har rightful amount a vote. Dem fi gi wi more dan 10 vote causen seh fi a small island wi deserve bout hundred an odd to infinity, plus tax!
Boardlane TV: But you did at least give her all 10 votes, right?
Pepsi: Afta yuh neva mek mi dun tell mi story! Afta mi fine out seh mi sista nyam up all a fi har vote dem, mi set mi clock fi rise before cock put aan im drawz. Mi call wan nex taxi fi drap mi aff a “Print Plus” as soon as dem door open. Mi write mi name an address pan pieca paypa an beg di owna man fi fax off 10 more vote a farrin fi mi dis marning. (Beats her chest) A soh mi goh to work! Support fi Tess by any means necessary, mi love!
Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Faxing votes, ah? That is certainly a new and innovative way of voting. Well viewers, you have heard it here. Jamaicans doing the most bizarre things to ensure they throw all their support behind Tessanne Chin. This is Wendy reporting from Emancipation Park. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright September 25, 2013
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
“A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
●▬▬▬ LIKE ♥ SHARE ♥ COMMENT ▬▬▬●

The 55th Annual Grammys paid tribute to Bob Marley on Sunday with a segment featuring Rihanna, Sting, Bruno Mars, and the late reggae icon’s sons Ziggy and Damian. What was a well-anticipated event from viewers all over the world, including Jamaicans; Boardlane TV gets feedback from Jamaicans living in the Atlanta area.

Boardlane TV: Good day, I am here live with Vivia who wants to share her opinion on the tribute. Vivia, you are one of many who watched the Bob Marley tribute at the Grammys. Tell us what you thought of it.

Vivia: Well fuss to begin, mi noh really watch Grammy to dat caah more time a bare drunkard pan it. But mi sista call mi seh mi was to chune in caah dem about fi do wan Bob tribute. Soh mi tun to di station an siddung deh a wait. Mi wait an wait soh til mi get hungry an decide seh mi ago set aan a pot a parridge….

Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Just get to your opinion, please. We have only a few short minutes on the air.

Vivia: Lawd misiss, mek yuh a rush mi soh?! Mek mi hassemble mi toughts inna mi head noh! Cho! Anyway, soh afta 1 hour wait dem goh soh – BOOM! Time fi di tribute. An mi siddung wid mi frack tail lap an a salivate. Mi si wan lickle midget come aan name, Bruno. (Pauses) Yuh know seh a soh mi lickle, puppy daag name to? Ah-rite back to di ting now. Soh when Bruno come aan im a sing bout “Locked Out Of Heaven.” Same time mi call back mi sista an ask har a wah year Bob did buss dah chune deh caah mi neva hear Bob a sing nutten bout Maasa Gad lack im outta heaven.

Boardlane TV: Well, that is not one of Bob’s songs. That is a Bruno Mars song.

Vivia: Dat is prexactly right! Dat a how comes mi get canfuse now caah mi tink a Bob dem a tribute. Fi tell yuh di troot, mi a look fi si Bruno tan up pan wan stool – to how im is a shorty-poop-stick, an play im guitar an sing some “Redemption Song.”  If im neva know noh Bob chune im coulda Google an fine wan an practice fi sing it. Dat lickle, tumpa foot bway is very slack an outta arda fi a come pan Bob tribute tribute a promote fi im chune. Dat is RENKNISS! An mi nat very pleased!

Boardlane TV: Well, it is fair to say you don’t approve. Does anyone standing around here think that the tribute was done fairly well? Sir, do you want to respond to that question?

Michael: Sistren, all now mi a wait pan di tribute. Di fus two weh come aan neva sing noh Bob chune soh when mi si Ri-Ri come out an a skank mi seh, ah-rite shi come wdi sinting good. But di more shi skank an a beat up har chess, all mi a si a di tattoo brazier shi a wear unda har shut. Mi chune har out sed time. All now mi cudden tell yuh weh shi sing seh.

Boardlane TV: Ok sir thanks. No one liked the tribute? How about when the Marley brothers performed?

Felicia: (Steps forward) Well Ziggy coulda paas. At least im sing wan a im faada sang dem. When Junior Gong come aan now, a some DJ bizness im a come wid an mek di whole a di people dem a di Grammy canfuse to backside! All Ellen DeGeneres tap dance an a look like – A weh di…??! When yuh si Ellen tap dance yuh muss know seh sinting is VERY wrang!

Donna: (Chimes in) And unu did si how Damian locks lang dung a grung? Mi did jus a pray seh im noh tan deh jump an land pan di locks an pitch ova an grung. A woulda dead wid laff to blousecut! Dat woulda mek di wait wortwhile.

Boardlane TV: So again, no one liked any of the tribute?

Jessica: Oh God. At least dem did try. Plus everybady did a drap asleep inna di room until dat part come aan. Everybady git up an a rock two side. Dung to my girl, Nicole Kidman did a try move, aldowe shi stiff like rigamortis set pan har. Shi a dance an a ongle di neck yuh si a move. Every weh else pan har bady refuse fi budge. Soh mi gi dem a lickle bly fi lively up di place.

Terrence: (Disagrees) No star! Mi naah gi dem noh bly a puss tail!  It did too blinking shart to! Mi waan fi know dis. If dem did a do wan tribute to Whitney Houston, dem woulda mek people goh up deh goh sing Brittany Spears sang? As far as mi si, a diss dem diss Bob. Di way how dem do di ting, dem coulda raise di man outta im grave fi  shat dem a carton bax an run dem affa di blurtnaught stage. Dem fi run weh wid dat sheggries!

Boardlane TV: Interesting. Thank you all for your candid remarks. It appears that the tribute may have not been well received by most Jamaican viewers. We hope that the Grammys will take another stab at a tribute worthy of praise the next time around. This has been Wendy reporting live from Atlanta. Thanks for tuning in to Boardlane

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  February 11, 2013

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!”

“A Soh It Goh!”

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

●▬▬▬ LIKE ♥ SHARE  ♥ COMMENT  ▬▬▬● 

 

 

Boardlane TV reporting live from the beaches of Negril, where we are here to get the reactions of Jamaicans on the controversial Volkswagen ad that has been causing a stir in the U.S. Some  critics have described the pregame Super Bowl ad from Volkswagen of America as offensive and culturally insensitive. Some will say, it depends who you talk to, so let us find out how these folks in tourist town, feel about it.  

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, Mister. Have you heard of the new Volkswagen ad that has been causing quite a buzz in the United States?

Bugzy: Yeah man. Di ad have a cool vibes still. Weh dem a try show people seh is dat nutten too tough noh badda we Jamaicans, yuh si mi? If wi noh have food fi eat, wi jus pap big smile an gwaan pose aff wid white squall pan wi mout carna sed way. If wata lack aff… no problem man…wi jus wait til when rain start fall fi ketch a bade. A soh wi dweet!

Boardlane TV:  So you endorse the happy-go-lucky vibe the ad portrays of Jamaicans and you believe that is a good thing for the car company?    

Bugzy: Moas definitely caah fram dem naah talk bout how wi a tief an smoke ganja, mi cool wid it. More time di white people dem too uptight, fi real. Like all di man inna di en bout im a look pan watch an a race up di man bout im late. Jamaican people noh watch clack dem way deh. Mi glad when Dave tell im fi chill out im blurtneet self, bout im a look pan watch. If a mi did a run dah ad deh, mi mek Dave come outta di cyar an shat im bax mek im dizzy! A soh wi dweet.  Maximum rispec to Dave an di crew, fi real.

Boardlane TV: Thanks for your candor, young man. Good afternoon sir, as a food vendor here in Negril  I am sure you meet a lot of tourist day-to-day. What do you think of Volkswagen’s portrayal of Jamaicans using a white man from Minnesota?

Macka Beard:  Di advertizment wikid! Hey, yuh know seh mi know dah bredda deh inna di commercial?

Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) You do?

Macka Beard: Yeah man, Dave come on yah nuff time an orda two fish an bammy fram mi more time. Im come a yaad every holiday fi soak up some sun. A mi artical dat!

Boardlane TV:  But do you realize the gentleman is an actor and “Dave” is not his real name? Are you sure you are not mistaking him for someone else?

Macka Beard: Yow, yuh a tek big man fi fool? Mi seh a mi idren DAVE weh come fram Mannasotta weh come a mi food stan all di while!

Boardlane TV: The name of the State is Minnesota, sir.  Min-nes-ota.

Macka Beard: Mannasotta.. Minnesota.. wah di difference? Mi a try show yuh seh a dah same man deh come drink two Red Stripe wid mi all di while. Im use to walk all bout pan di beach wid im face lang dung til mi haffi show im seh im fi tun im frown in a smile an noh tek noh stress. Si dem all a use it inna di commercial. A mi all teach im fi chat like yaad man, soh mi noh know weh yuh a come questian mi bout.  

Boardlane TV: OK, OK. I am not going to argue with you, sir. Have a good day. (Calling out ) Mister, could you give us a few minutes?  Have you heard of the VW ad that is being debated in the news lately?

Reggie: Yes lady! Mi si di ad a run pan di news an dem a seh some farrin people seh it racist an dem ting deh.

Boardlane TV: Do you agree with that?

Reggie: No Star! Di ad ah-rite but a di cyar dem mi noh like. Dem deh blastid VW always a bruck dung wid people a road to bloodbawt. Yuh know seh mi did have wan inna ‘88 weh wi use to call “Buggy.”  Memba dem? Mi seh as mi drive aff fi bout 2 minute, di flipping cyar cut aff an a cough like it a choke. Den it alone coulda kill ten tousen maskita wid di amount a smoke weh a falla back a it.

Boardlane TV: Well, that was back then. I think they have better cars these days.

Reggie: Mi noh care weh dem waan seh inna dem commercial, mi naah buy noh more VW a bombeet! Dem coulda tun dem frown inna smile til di sun tun red, mi naah buy none! But mi still tink di commercial tun up!

Boardlane TV: Well, glad you see things in some positive light. Thanks and have a good day.  

Norma: (Walking along as she yells) PEPPA SWIMPS! FIFTY DALLA  gi yuh a bag!  PEPPA SWIMPS!

Boardlane TV: (Waving) Hello miss. Come here for a minute, love.

Norma: (Excited) Peppa swimps, lady?

Boardlane TV: No, no. Just want ask a question. Boardlane TV here and we are live on air.

Norma: (Patting her hair down) Lawd Gad lady! Afta mi hair noh comb. Mi cyaan deh pan TV wid mi head tan soh!   

Boardlane TV: You look fine. Wanted to ask you if you heard about the Super Bowl ad from Volkswagen and what’s your take on it. Is it controversial to you?

Norma: Oh! Yuh talk bout di ad wid di hurry-come-up man weh a tell people inna im workplace seh dem fi tap mek up dem face like sour puss an bi happy? Mi like it man! Mi jus glad dem neva mek im wear wan a dem hat wid di fake rasta dread a heng aff pan it. A dat time mi woulda cuss! Mi cyaan bare si di sinting pan di white people dem head.

Boardlane TV: So no controversy at all for you?

Norma: No, Miss TV lady. Nutten noh wrang wid it. An wan neda ting mi glad fah, is dat dem neva play noh Bob Marley chune inna di background. Marley music sweet an all but a full time odda people get a buss. Mi did love fi hear when Jimmy Cliff come aan. Mi all did figet seh im a smaddy to how dem live pan Bob Marley. Every blastid commercial dem do a farrin is bare: (singing)  One love, one heart… Let’s get together and feel all right… Cho! Mi tiyad a dat rahtid now man. VW to di worrrll! A soh wi seh!

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) So funny. We thank you for your remarks.

Norma: Soh wait deh. Yuh naah buy wan Peppa swimps fram mi?

Boardlane TV: OK. I’ll have one for you being such a good sport. But in the meantime, let me turn it back to our studios. This has been Wendy reporting live from Negril. Thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.

●▬▬▬ LIKE ♥ SHARE  ♥ COMMENT  ▬▬▬● 

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  January 31, 2013

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!“

“A Soh It Goh!“

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

 

Tonight is must-see TV! It is the night Americans find out who has been elected president.  But Jamaicans may have other viewing preferences. Boardlane TV obtains insights on how Jamaicans view President Barack Obama and his Republican challenger Mitt Romney.

Boardlane TV: Hello, Wendy coming to you live from Cross Roads where I am soliciting the views of members of the public as to who they think will emerge winner when Americans cast their votes and the results announced. I am starting with a lovely young lady who seems to be excited. Will you be watching the results as the come in?

Tasha: Den mi noh muss watch weh a gwaan pan di farrin election! Mi noh want a soul tell mi how it did goh. Mi waan seet live an direct pan mi cola TV fi miself. Mi set up mi two dutchie pat ready fi tonight.

Boardlane TV: You are in for all night cooking to watch?

Tasha: No lady! A wah do yuh? Di pat cova a fi when dem declare ‘Bama di winna an mi set out pan di road a lick mi dutchie pat cova an a fling up mi frack tail inna di air an a galang like ole naygah!

Boardlane TV: OK love, just make sure you wear clean underwear. Sir just a moment, will you be tuned into the US Presidential elections tonight?

Tony: No, enoh sistren. I man cyaan watch cauzen seh dem cut aff mi cable fram wah day.  Mi inna wan nex bine caah JPS ketch mi a tief light fram ova di school an nat even local statian mi ago get fi watch. Mi bex noh blurtseed! But mi wi try ketch some a it pan di radio statian dowe ..if di battery dem hole out. Bless up!  (He walks away)

Boardlane TV: I guess he is out of luck tonight. Blue shirt! Over here, please. Who will you be rooting for in this year’s US Presidential election?

Bruck Packet: Obama wi seh still! Hope seh Obama tun up di ting caah it would be more easia fi Jamaica fi continue fi have good trade relations wid di US. A nuff tings wi export to  farrin weh Mitt Money naah defen. Yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: Like what soh?

Bruck Packet: Mitt Money a talk some way like seh im noh have noh rispec fi weh wi a cantribute to di ‘Merican society. Look how much tings wi bring a farrin come show dem. A wi show dem how fi do di dalla wine. Yuh eva a watch Beyonce a bubble pan stage? A yaad shi bring dat fram enoh! Look all pan di amount a renta yam dem man a buy up jus troo dem a try cultivate di nex Bolt. If a neva fi wi ‘Merican people noh get fi wear rasta tam wid fake locks. Straight! Dem deh kine a export wi still gwaan unda Obama. A soh mi seet.

Boardlane TV: Wow that was very educational.  Never knew those things played such a key role in the US. OK young man, what say you about this election? Who do you want to win?

Terrence: (Gun finger in the air) Barack to di weerlll wi seh!! Di man weh a challenge im a gwaan like seh im noh rate immigrants.Yet still wi dun know seh im have quarta dozen Mexicans a rake up wan bag a harse dee-dee a im yaad. Unu news people fi goh check it out. Mi bet  unu two fowl outta mi fowl coob seh im have some man a pay unda di table fi wipe di harse dem backside as dem drap a load.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) You don’t say? Not sure we can look into that but well stated. Sir, will you be watching the results of the US election?

Wolfie:  Den mi noh muss watch dat man! Boss man, Obama all the way wi seh! A black man time now!

Boardlane TV: So  is your support for him because he is African American?

Wolfie: Well is nat jus troo im black man still. But di man a daag heart mi a tell yuh. All dem adda white man noh wikid like im. Man a pap shat inna every man head lef an right. Di pirates dem who tek hostage get  dem head lick aff. Im pap a coppa shat right troo Bin Laden yeye. Libya man all get duss out. A black man fi run di tings caah if a man come tess, im get im dead. All Mitt a come wid is a bag a mout talk a folda fulla ooman. Weh dat can do?

Boardlane TV: Nothing I suppose. Well it seems Jamaicans have taken one side of this election and is in support of the current President. We will be watching as the votes are tallied and a President declared. This is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  May 10, 2012

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!”

“A Soh It Goh!”

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/