Jamaica Observer Interview
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Jamaica Wins Gold – Reaction from HWT (Jamaican Sketch)
This is Wendy reporting from Half-way-tree square where hundreds of Jamaicans witnessed the gold medal run from Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce. I am going to try to squeeze my way through this thick crowd to get some reactions from the jubilant on-lookers.
Boardlane TV: Miss, what do you have to say about that spectacular run from Shelly-Ann?
Nadine: Wooeeiii!! Lady, mi tell yuh seh mi glad bag buss when mi si di bald-head gyal Carmelita get a peica beaten like when mi ole granny use to tek cow cod belt an whoop mi behine fram Satdeh to Sundeh! Carmelita tek razor an shave aff har head caah shi tink dat did ago mek har get hair-o-dynamic fi win di race. In di meantime yuh si how Shelly-Ann have har nice, tall hair weave jus a blow wid di breeze an yet still shi run lef di gyal?! It sweet mi yuh si!
Boardlane TV: So you are saying hair or no hair, Carmelita had no chance?
Nadine: NAT a chance in SATAN hell!! Gole wi a defen, all day! If it mek outta Gole, wi a bring it back to Jamaica… wi a bring home di gole mine, di gole ring an di gole fish – it’s ganna be a gole rush like wi neva si before! (dancing) Raaaeeeee!! JAMAICA TO DI WORL WI SEH!!
Ragga: (reaching for the mike) Lady, mek mi seh someting to di worl weh a chune in to dis ting. Hear dah talk yah.Yuh si fram when wi a try show dem seh Jamaica a noh wan country weh yuh fi try come push up yuh chess pan bout yuh a challenge wi pan di 100? Yuh si fram when wi gi dem a chance fi back out an goh tek up egg an spoon race? Dem noh hear bout neegle an tread an crocus bag race? A dem ting deh di gyal dem fi goh do an tap train fi run 100 meta race. Dem show flop out fram Worl War four! An fram dem deh days deh wi a dun dem!
Boardlane TV: Very nice. Thanks for the candid remarks. You miss, you have not stopped jumping since the race ended. Tell us how you feel.
Patsy: (Waving a flag) JAMAIIIICAAAA WEH WI SEH!! A mash wi a mash dung Lundun, Canada, Japan, Merica, Israel, Africa, China – bring dem come..wi ready fi ANYBADY!! A who dem really tink dem a deal wid? Dem noh si seh Shelly-Ann a stallion weh barn an grow a Watahouse weh ghetto people a run fram gun shat everyday! Unu noh si when Shelly hear di gun pap, shi run weh lef di gyal dem?! Tell dem seh Patsy seh a gunman bring Shelly to dis stage of har life! None a dem odda people dung inna di Olympics know bout gunman, dats why dem cyaan come outta di block faas like Shelly!
Errol: (Gun finger) BLOP! BLOP! Gun salute pan dah wan deh, my girl! Real talk! Hear weh wi a seh know. Every man a pap aff a shat fi Shelly-Ann dung a Gaza city right yah now. Big up my girl, Veronica Campbell. Shi still a run wid har duck foot but shi win di bronze fi wi sed speed. Mi only sarry seh shi neva bruck Jeta foot. Yuh know weh wi call a girl like Jeta dung a Gaza city?
Boardlane TV: No. I sure don’t. What do you call them?
Errol: Dem deh gyal deh a weh wi call BREAD BACK! Simple becaah badman noh nyam bread back..wi dash weh bread back! Shelly-Ann, seh di gyal a bread back an dash weh dat, straight! Shi goh HARD-DOUGH bread an DUN har!
Boardlane TV: (Laughing) OK, sir. Thanks you fro the lesson in bread back. Mister, you are in such a good spirit. Tell us how you really feel.
Henry: (Singing the national anthem with pride) Eeeeternal faaadar, Bless wi hand…Tank yuh fi lickle Shelly-Ann … Keep us free from weevil flour… Give us rice fi countless hours…To our feeders, great pretenders..grant true…
Sandra: (Interrupting) Oye maasa! Tap mash up di national antem soh!! Dat noh mek it! If yuh ago sing di sinting, sing it prapaly or shet up yuh mout. In dis time when wi a tun 50 an deh pan tap di worl stage, a full time yuh goh larn di wod dem inna di sang. Yuh a galang like yuh neva goh primary school fi larn wi antem. Come man…do betta dan dat.
Henry: (Snaps) Hush up yuh flipping mout an lowe mi mek mi sing wah come outta mi heart! Renk an fayvah dem blastid bex face bullfrag! Miss, yuh ask mi how I am feeling an I have to say dis is a blessed day fi wi country. Mi proud a dat lickle gyal pickney an mi proud a all who larn dem fi gallop like race horse soh. Di lilly gyal have some renta yam foot deh weh tan up firm til di vein dem stretch out like ‘lastic. Shi remine mi a wan harse mi use to race dung a Caymanas Park. A same way di horse foot back did tough like turbit. Mi glad fi har soh til mi cyaan talk.
Boardlane TV: Bless your heart sir. Proud day for Jamaica in deed. Folks, Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce has won an impressive race, giving the Jamaicans much to be proud of. Until we see you again, this Wendy reporting from Half-Way-Tree.
by Joelle C. Wright Aug 4th, 2012
Tallawa Magazine Spotlight – July 22, 2012
Tallawa Magazine Spotlight
LAUGHING MATTER: Up-and-coming author Joelle Wright brings the funny
JAMAICA TO DI WORRL! (Dedicated to Team Jamaica)
Soh Beverly mi goh buy mi ticket fi goh London
Caah mi a bruck mi neck fi goh celebrate all wi worl champion
Mi haffi deh front an centa inna di place
When dem announce seh Jamaica win di race!
Yuh si when dem line dem up an seh dem fi get pan dem mark
When di gun pap an wi sprinta dem tek aff, every man ago lef ina di dark
All yuh ago si a breeze an daylight backa Yohan Blake
When di res a dem finish di race, dem ago bawl fi wan peica belly ache
Dem ago run out dem soulcase til dem mout lip a wabble
Dem ago feel wah name agony, pain an struggle
Every laas wan a dem a get deflate by a lightning jolt
Cause nat wan a dem naah ketch wi Usain Bolt
Dem ago tiyad fi si di Black, Green an Gole Ganzi shut
Cause when wi reach a di finish line, dem still back a wi a strut
Between yuh an mi, mi sarry fi dem who waan come tess
If dem know wah good fi dem, dem gi dis sprinting ting a ress
Mi seh people ago hear di sweet soun a wi national antem
When di flag raise high, waving side to side by di fans dem
Di whole stadium a London ago gi dem undivided attentian
As wi akletes dem get dem well deserve recagnitian
Gyal, mi naah stap brag an puddung big boast
Because Jamaica ago whip dem coast to coast
Goh si wi nation a do wi pocco jump an a dance an twirl
When dem si dat dis Olympic year is – JAMAICA TO DI WORRL!
by Joelle C. Wright July 12, 2012
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!“
“A Soh It Goh!“
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
PG County Maryland Spotlight – June 13, 2012
PNP IMPOSED TAXES PROMPT PROTEST ON THE STREETS (Jamaican Sketch)
Boardlane TV: Good day to our viewers. Jamaicans are in an uproar over the recently announced tax package, which includes an inexplicable tax increase on consumer goods that will affect the poorest in the nation. Standing next to me is a mini-bus operator who is one of the hundreds of demonstrators here in the Papine area. Sir, tell us how this news will affect you.
Chucky: A madniss a gwaan inna di country lady. Fram di way mi look pan it, “Mama P” a cut in pan mi entatainment money. An I man naah stan fi dat!
Boardlane TV: What do you mean by “cutting into your entertainment? Explain.
Chucky: As a bus man, mi haffi ensure seh mi bus have aan some boss rims, have a big soun system an a fresh tint pan di window every mont. “Mama P” goh put aan neda tax pan di license plate dem an dat mean seh mi haffi goh chose between pay fi license an buy mi sub woofa!
Boardlane TV: Wait, wait…hold on a minute. I can see you being concerned about gas, insurance expenses and so on, but rims and stereo? What’s that about?
Chucky: How yuh mean? Nobaddy naah drive inna bus unless it a shock out an have high-powa speaka a blaze aff di roof. If mi noh have dat, money noh run. A nex man who have dem tings deh, get all di school girls an di shotta dem! Soh dem can tax license plate all dem waan, but if a di laas money mi have, di govament naah get a CENT!!! Mi preffa tek mi money goh a my lickle spot an goh buy wan new speaka! A soh di ting set.
Boardlane TV: So you are planning to be defiant? Is that it?
Chucky: (Looking confused) Defiant? Explain to mi what dat is nice lady. Mi noh what dat word mean, baby doll.
Judith: (Jumping in) Seet deh!! Dats why Portia fi tek aff di blastid tax pan school book an di dictionary cause dats why wi have soh much rahtid, dunce bat like dah bway yah inna di country!
Chucky: A who yuh a call dunce, ku-kum-kum? GWEY! Yuh lang an mawga an shape like dem blurtneet mop stick. Betta yuh goh nyam some tun cornmeal before yuh rib cage gash fiyah out yah. Goh sort out yuhself before yuh come chat to big man!
Judith: (Jumping in) For your information jancrow, Portia put tax pan carnmeal to, soh noh come chat to mi bout wah mi fi goh nyam. Brite!
Boardlane TV: (Stepping in between the two) OK,OK. Enough. Where did you get the idea that cornmeal is taxed, miss?
Judith: Hi…is what yuh tink is di main ingredient inna patty? IS CARNMEAL! Is dat give it dat yellow cola. (Roll eyes) Portia tink shi trixify, but mi know seh is nat patty alone di tax deh pan. Is every blinking lickle ting weh use fi mek patty get tax. Di beef, di cornmeal, di scotch bonnet peppa , onion an tyme – di tax tun up pan every blastid sinting inna di patty!
Puncy: (Weighing in) Portia wikid man. How shi fi tax di patty an noh tax di coco-bread? Is like seh shi a show wi seh a so-so coco bread wi fi nyam when wi cyaan fine money fi pay fi di patty! Dis is a national disgrace! Anytime poor people hungry, a patty wi defen. When wi cyaan buy a bax food, a patty wi defen! When bully beef scarce, a patty wi defen. Poor people a drown unda tax an dead fi hungry sed time. Merciful Faada Gad, why shi neva lef di patty alone an put di tax pan Roti…caah nohbaddy naah nyam dat blastid Trini nastiness!
Boardlane TV: I get you. Anybody in the crowd wants to address the tax on schools books?
Mavis: (Raising her hand) Yes lady! Mek mi seh sumting on dat cause a dat bun mi heart more dan anyting. Is five pickney mi have a goh a school an di book tax ago sen mi a poor house fi sure. “Mama P” yuh is wrang fi dat. Nat because yuh cannot jain up two good wod inna sentence, mek yuh a try backword fi wi pickney dem to. Poor people pickney have a right to dem school book free of tax soh dem noh haffi barrow dem wan aneda book fi study. Madam Simpson, you is teifing fram di pickney dem lunch money..cause is dat dem gwine to use to pay fi yuh slavery tax! Tek aff di book tax wi seh or else wi ago boom up Gordon House an run yuh out!
Boardlane TV: Thank you miss. With that, sir why are you here today in protest?
Vincent: Lady, mi seh mi false teet drap outta mi mout when mi hear seh tax gaan pan fowl feeden and hog feed. Is tirty years mi a raise chicken an hag an neva si dem breeda vampire tax pan feeden. Portia pramise Farmers govament subsidy fi help wi out an look weh shi a come wid now. All weh ago happen now is when mi fowl dem dead fi hungry, mi haffi goh tek dem feed di hag dem. Is 6 hog mi a raise fi sell an wan a dem a breed an shi always a look sinting fi nyam. If yuh noh mine sharp shi naym aff mi heel back when mi goh inna di pen. Now, how mi ago explain to dis ole swine seh mi cyaan afford di feeden fi gi har, eeh? Kiss mi neck bway.
Boardlane TV: That’s tough to hear. But please do not feed the chickens to the pigs. That’s not healthy.
Vincent: Poor people haffi fine a way fi live unda di pressa cooka lady. Wi live inna times now weh yuh cyaan fling out dead fowl gi dawg like wan time. Yuh haffi mek new invention fi survive, an if di hag dem noh mine nyam di dead fowl, den soh it haffi goh. If Portia waan put tax pan dead fowl to, dat a fi har bizness but a dat mi haffi goh tek mek hag feeden now.
Boardlane TV:Thank you all for sharing your views with Boardlane TV. It is clear that Portia Simpson’s attempts to cure the maladies in the economy by increasing taxes have outraged the citizens. Will poor folks enjoy Juicy beef Patties as they use to? Only time will tell. This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Have a pleasant day.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright June 4th, 2012
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!“
“A Soh It Goh!“
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
LIVE BROADCAST: Busy Signal Arrest – Reactions on the streets (Jamaican Sketch)
Popular Jamaican dancehall artist ‘Busy Signal’ was arrested by members of the Fugitive Apprehension Team at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston as he disembarked a flight. Busy Signal was said to be fugitive wanted on decade-old drug conspiracy charges in the U.S. He is also accused of travelling on false documents. The reaction from Jamaicans is one of dismay, shock and disbelief. Boardlane TV rushed to the scene out side the Norman Manley airport to get reactions.
Boardlane TV: Sir, you are standing here silently and seemed to be in shock. Can you give us your thought on the Busy Signal arrest this morning?
Willy: (Shaking his head) A mi artist dat enoh lady! Mi tan up yah soh cyaan believe weh mi a hear to blurtnaught. Fus Dudus an now Busy?! Mi waan fi know is why di US people dem have up di Yaadi dem soh? Every blastid minute dem a handcuff wan a wi an a sen wi a jail fi nutten! Come een like dem tink di yaadi dem a prison accessory.
Boardlane TV: Sir, the charges stem from him falsifying his name and alluding authorities. Those are charges that are concerning, wouldn’t you agree?
Willy: (Snaps angrily) GOH WEH wid dat! Every man who DJ have false name. Everybady wid a brain know dat. Unu expec di man fi DJ unda im real name? Unu GWEH!
Boardlane TV: Mister, that is not the issue. Did you know that is real name is Glendale Gordon and not Reanno Gordon as he claims?
Willy: GOH WEH wid dat again! Look how much a wi inna Jamdung have two name! Fimi birt certificate seh “William Buddy Stroker” but people all bout call mi “Willy Stroker.” Ediat talk yuh a talk. All weh a gwaan is dat di man a cut im chune dem an a gwaan good an di farrin serpent dem cyaan lef di yute mek im eat a food like everybady else.
Boardlane TV: Ok, clearly I am not getting you to understand what is at hand. Thanks for your time. Moving on. Sir come over here and tell me what is your reaction to this arrest.
Danny: Lady, mi noh have nutten too tough fi seh enoh. Dis wan tek di cake. Jah know! All mi know is, Busy and Dudus fi get National hero status. Straight!
Boardlane TV: I don’t understand. Why do you believe Busy and Dudus are national heroes?
Danny: Well, history claim seh Nanny ketch shat in har b@tty and Sam Sharpe buss outta im shackles an cause a revolution. When yuh check it out Dudus get nuff shat inna fi im b@tty an still noh dead and Busy Signal buss out a fi ankle bracelet. Might as well dem gi dem di heroes tikle.
Boardlane TV: (Laughing) OK. I hear you. Thanks for your time. How about you Miss. What do you have to say about all of this?
Claudia: (Wailing) How di rahtid Busy get imself inna dis dear Gad? Mi seh mi love Busy bad soh til mi cyaan talk. All mi a fret pan now is how im baby madda ago tek dis news… cause shi have wan hell of a big belly in front har deh now an di pickney soon drop? How di hell shi ago manige, eeh? Savior Gad, redeem wi!
Boardlane TV: Yes, that is indeed sad, But I am sure she will be OK. You claim you are a big fan of Busy. Tell me more about that.
Claudia: Big, big fan Miss Lady. Anyweh Busy deh, I did follow backa im. If mi did have mi Visa, mi woulda falla im goh a di way a Englan weh im jus come fram. Mi love im soh til all mi woulda put aan ankle bracelet pan im foot miself fi stalk out im behine. (Wailing) Lawd mi God. Dancehall mash up now to rahtid cage! Dancehall business dun wid!
Boardlane TV: No ma’am. No need to be that dramatic. Dancehall will do just fine. Never mind. Dry your tears. We have just enough time to chat with one more individual. Sir, what is your take on this incident.
Lance: Bway a mi artical bredrin dat fi real. Mi an im move good an ting an mi jus cyaan believe seh mi bredrin did undacova all dese years.
Boardlane TV: So you know Busy Signal personally?
Lance: Yah man! An mi paardi datfi bout 5 yrs now and mi come aan yah when mi hear di news pan di radio. Mi always a wanda why Busy neva waan goh a di States goh mek some dallas. Im tell mi seh im jus waan do di Canada an Europe circle caah as im explain it, di ‘Merican breeze noh good fi im skin. Im all show mi wan bwail pan im neck back weh im seh im get when im did expose to di ‘Merican weadda couple years ago.
Boardlane TV: And you believed that? You believe that someone could have a bump from exposure to the US climate?
Lance: Bway, mi neva questian it enoh lady. It did soun like sinting coulda goh soh but mi a fine out now seh a lie im did a tell mi now. Di only ting im allergic to a US handcuff! Mi feel it fi im dowe caah right now im ago goh fram Busy Signal to Dial Tone.
Boardlane TV: Thanks for talking with us. That is all for now folks. It appears that this astonishing news surrounding Busy Signal continues to send shock waves throughout the island. This is Wendy reporting live. Have a good day.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright May 22, 2012
Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It & A Soh It Goh!
Jamaican Literature Spotlight – May 19, 2012
Jamaican Literature Spotlight
USAIN BOLT AND BELLE LUBICA SPLIT: REACTIONS ON THE STREETS (Jamaican Sketch)
Just six months into their relationship, there are reports that Usain Bolt, and Slovakian fashion designer Lubica Slovak, has ended. With the new turn of events, Boardlane TV took the streets once again to obtain reaction from the Jamaican people.
Boardlane TV: Hello, how are you? Did you hear about the latest on the break up of Usain and Belle? If so, what can you say about the matter?
Yvette: Well, is about dyam time dat dun wid. Dat was di langess 6 monts inna my life. Nutten more dan dat gyal a look free plane ride goh Londan fi di Olympics . Dats why shi goh hitch up harself unda Usain soh all of a sudden. Fram mi si har, mi know seh shi a big ginal. Shi well paas har curfew time.. an Usian shoulda sen har back har yaad lang time.
Boardlane TV: Do you realize they are gown folks and they are allowed to make mistakes? What do you think about that?
Yvette: Dat is some blinking, dumb-ass mistake im mek! If im did inna soh much haste fi deh wid ooman, im neva si seh Yendi an Asafa lef? Im tek carelissness an im mek Chino crape har up an im get lef wid buffy di vampire slayer! Im betta noh mek dat mistake again, arelse wi naah ramp fi trow rackstone inna im blouse an skirt head tap!
Boardlane TV: Ok then Miss …thanks for the candid remarks. Sir, step over here. What is your reaction to the Usain break up news now circulating?
Cotton Bud: (Stroking his chin) All mi can do is to speculate seh di stock unda di gyal frock neva too upright. A man naah lef a ooman soh if di ting TUN UP right. Mi a pree di girl Belle pan pan TV an har bumpa nat even have aan noh park light pan it to rahtid! Mi feel seh di bumpa neva fit Bolt cyar an shi cudden grease di rims, good an prapa! Yuh si mi? Dats why Bolt buss dah move deh.A di right ting im do still…caah if a girl cyaan charge di battery, shi haffi get erase, displace an replace. Cotton Bud have di REAL TALK!
Boardlane TV: So Mister Cotton Bud, you really think the cause of the break up was due to lack of romance?
Cotton Bud: A who seh anyting bout romance? A di bedroom wok mi a chat bout! Straight! Romance a fi man like Jah Cure who sing bout “Unconditional Love” an dem sheggries deh! (Kiss teet) Bolt a race harse …im noh have noh time fi slow romancing, dancing an prancing. Di man a defen pap dung bed spring an tear aff weave kina loving.
Boardlane TV: OK sir we will leave it there. Hi sir.. you with the yellow shirt. Can we get your reaction to the Bolt split. We are live on TV.
Garfield: Mi cyaan chat too lang enoh lady. Mi bus a come. But hear wah… mek mi mek dis ting shart an sweet. Bolt cyaan pronounce di gyal name a backside! When yuh hear Bolt a chat more time..it come een like im tongue a gallop fasta dan im bombawt brain! Prably a call di gyal by di wrang name an shi shat im two bax an a deh soh di relationship get sour. Nex time im fi deh wid ooman wid simple name like “Patsy, Suzette an Nadine.” (Seeing his bus driving away) DRIVA!! DRIVA whole aaan deh! Lady, mi gaan cause si yuh nearly mek mi bus lef mi a road. But put mi dung pan tape seh Bolt goh tek aan farrin ooman wid stooshas name weh im cyaan manige. Lickle more!
Boardlane TV: These are very interesting comments from the folks on the street. We have just enough time for one more point of view. Young lady, I see you have been standing there and listening in. What is your take?
Janet: You know I were very upset when I font out dat Bolt tek up wid dat girl. But I am very elastic dat im realize dat training for the Olympic gole muss be priority. On di odda han, mi feel kina sarry fi im.
Boardlane TV: I think you meant “ecstatic” and not “elastic”. Anyway, why do you feel sorry for him?
Janet: Now dat im doan have a ooman in im life, im might get backed up an dat load may cause im to slow down pan di track. Im need time to release all of that … uuuhhmm ..yuh know… uhhmmm. Well, let us juss say dat im lickle tadpoles need fi tek a swim wance in a while. Dis could be hardardous fi im.
Boardlane TV: The word is “hazardous.” So would you say you would rather him stay with Miss Lubica?
Janet: No, no no! Nat she! Smaddy else! Shi may name Lubica but she is NO lubricant?! Shi noh have what it takes fi tickle Bolt pickle. Dat is my honest opinion. Im waan wan a dem sexy gyal fram country weh can do Satan wok pan Satidey an mek im wake up Sunday marning a bawl fi Jesas Chrise! Tek it fram mi..is dat I believe im waan! Mi wish im di very bess dowe, cause a mi hawt dat. Bolt to di woorrll!!!
Boardlane TV: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us. Well, the ever so candid remarks from the Jamaican people are always interesting to hear. We certainly hope for the best for the Olympic star and his upcoming performance at the 2012 Olympics. This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Thanks for joining us.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright May 10, 2012
Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It & A Soh It Goh!
Asafa Powell Speaks: Reaction to Yendi’s Pregnancy (Jamaican Sketch)
Good day to our Boardlane TV viewers, we apologize for breaking into today’s scheduled programming to bring you an impromptu press conference called by Asafa Powell. The Jamaican sprinter has felt the need to respond to the frenzy created by Yendi Philips’ announcement that she is now carrying Daniel ‘Chino’ McGregor’s child. We are at the Pegasus hotel where various TV, Radio and Newspaper media are at the conference questioning Mister Powell.
Boardlane TV: Asafa, tell us how you heard the news that Yendi is expecting a child.
Asafa: ‘Ello an good day everybody. Give mi a moment please, let mi collect miself (Holding back tears). Fus ting fus. Mi is jus a shock as everybody. Wan a mi bredrin wake mi up dis marning an a tell mi Yendi announce pan Facebook seh shi buss a breed fi Chino. Mi tink a joke bizness im a run…but mi jump outta mi bed sed speed an goh check it out. Right pan Facebook to blurtnaught mi si Yendi belly wid five black, stumpy finga pan it! Yiye wata come a mi yeye sed time!
TVJ: Asafa, did you know that Daniel and your ex were a couple?
Asafa: Naah! Mi neva did a suspec seh Yendi a do di Gully creep. As a mata a fac, mi nat even did know seh mi lose di wok. Up to wah day mi clock in a do my time an now mi get fi fine out seh Chino a work pan di case full time plus tax!
Observer: Wait a minute, she says she is 17 weeks pregnant. Are you implying that up until 17 weeks ago you two were still considered an item?
Asafa: (Counting fingers) Mek a si now. Seventeen weeks ago…. minus today, dat is…ahhmm.. Help mi out wid dah wan yah… mi only faas pan di track, mi noh too faas pan Maths. How much days ago dat equal to boss?
Observer: Forget the question. Just tell us how you feel about the two getting together and now expecting a child.
Asafa: How mi feel? MI BEX! An mi a si RED an mi mad, sick inna mi head! Fus, Bolt beat mi fi di gole an now Chino come beat mi to di right hole! Naah man! Mi cyaan goh dung soh star! (sobbing) Mi did know seh sumting neva right enoh, caah mi cudden figga out how mi jus a fiyah bare blank shat soh?! A soh mi shoot.. a soh mi miss. A di wrang hole mi deh to blurtnaught!
Boardlane TV: Well, as you know Mister Daniel ‘Chino’ McGregor is no rookie. He has fathered a child before so I guess he knows just the right temperature needed to bake the bread in the oven. Could it be that you are not able to get rid of your daemons and get to the finish line?
Asafa: What duppy have to do wid dis matta?! Di fact a di matta is, wi noh know if a jacket shi a pin pan im yet. Di jacket noh muss fit im caah mi a Polyester an im a Gabadine! Mi a A-Class and im a re-pass! Im cyaan reach my league, soh mi naah watch noh face.
RJR: So would you like a DNA test conducted when the child is born? Is that what you are getting at?
Asafa: No DNA necessary! Look pan my big nose for instance. Dat is a very strang gene weh a come fram my granfaada. All yuh haffi do a look pan di pickney nose and di farrid. If di baby barn wid im nose flare up like wan jack-ass, den a my yute dat. If im barn wid big farrid like di McGregor breed, den a Chino win di race by a buck farrid an a half.
TVJ: How will this affect your mental state in preparation for the 2012 Olympics?
Asafa: Mi ago tell mi coach seh mi have a very serious injury an mi cyaan run. Mi dun fi di year.
TVJ: You are injured?! Injury to what, may I ask?
Asafa: Mi a suffa fram bruise to mi ego. Yendi an har man mash mi carn an stampede pan mi balls. Dem a willy bounce all ova mi pride. Mi naah goh able fi function inna di race soh mi haffi pull out!
Boardlane TV: Mister Powell, aren’t you going to disappoint you fans by making the decision to pull out this early?
Asafa: (sobbing) Bway, mi noh know yaah man. Mi cyaan tink straight right now caah if mi neva pull out soh blastid quick when mi did deh pan di work, a woulda mi a hold up Yendi belly pan Facebook yah now. Mi gaan.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Asafa Powell is visible upset from this news event and has abruptly left the podium. As this story develops, we will try to bring you more. This is Wendy reporting for Boardlane TV.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright April 23, 2012
Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It & A Soh It Goh!