Reggae Dancehall star Vybz Kartel has been in police custody in Jamaica since October 1, while he awaits trail for two murder cases. This morning Boardlane TV received reports that the super star has escaped from his jail cell. The reports are that Kartel started a riot at the Horizon Adult Remand Centre in Jamaica early on Wednesday morning (November 30), and managed to escape with seven other inmates after holding officers at gunpoint. Boardlane TV is on location in an attempt to get to the bottom of this story.

Boardlane TV: We are here at the Horizon Adult Remand correctional facility speaking to the head warden who was on duty this morning when the alleged escape occurred. Mister Jacobs, can you confirm or disprove that prisoner, Adidja Palmer, AKA Vybz Kartel has escaped?

Warden Jacobs: Kartel escape?!! Kiss mi neck! A weh yuh a seh to mi?!! (Waving frantically) OFFICA WILLIAMS, BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN— DI CAKE SOAP BWAY ESCAPE AN GET WEH!!

Boardlane TV: Mister Jacobs, hold on a second. We are not sure if the reports are factual. MTV news, a foreign news outlet, reported that he even sent out a tweet to his fans this morning about his escape. I am just here to find out facts, sir. Is he here or not?

Warden Jacobs: Lady, a weh di backside unu a waste mi time fah? Is he deh yah or is he nat deh yah? How di kackafart mi fi know dat? Ah-rite, come wi goh dung a im cell goh check. But mi a warn yuh, when yuh reach dah cell deh, cova yuh nose cause in deh tink a piss.  Dah bway deh noh stap piss up imself when wi a beat out im racko tail!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear! That’s sounds horrible. (Walking along) So Mister Jacobs, how can you be the head of this facility and not be sure if one of your inmates escaped. Is that a sign of negligence on your part, sir?

Warden Jacobs: Soh yuh noh tink big man fi sleep a night time?! (Kiss teet) Yuh tink mi can tan up an watch di ole dutty criminal dem whole night? Anyway, dis facility yuh si here mek outta di bess raw material money can buy weh import fram China. Nobaddy cyaan escape fram yahsoh. An to how Kartel skin have every blastid cola inna di rainbow, bout im a coloring book, my guardsman dem can spot im a mile. Si di cell a come up.

Boardlane TV: Ok, let’s see. For your sake I hope he is in there.

Warden Jacobs: (Banging on the jail cell) GAZA?! Weh yuh deh? Show yuh face, Mista Clorox bleach!!

Vybz Kartel: (From under his bed) Who dat a bawl out fi di Gaza!  (Oh!)

Warden Jacobs: Come fram undaneat di bombeet bed an come talk to dah news lady yah. Shi waan know if yuh escape dis marning.

Vybz Kartel: (From under his bed) Yow King, yuh noh si seh mi unda mi bed. Yuh cyaan jus tell di ooman seh mi noh escape YET (Oh!) Mi cyaan come out til when di sun set pan di wess dread. Di sun hat a bun out mi face to blurtseed. A ongly mi nose still bleach out star. Mi cyaan mek nohbaddy si mi soh iyah! (Oh!)

Boardlane TV: It’s OK Mister Jacobs. We now know that he is still in custody. Let him stay.

Warden Jacobs: (Banging on the jail cell) GAZA, MI SEH FI GIT UP an come chat to di people mek dem know seh yuh noh deh pan Tweaka!

Boardlane TV: Tweaka? What the heck is “Tweaka”?

Warden Jacobs: Noh yuh tell mi jus a while ago seh Kartel tweek sinting to di wukliss people dem weh a falla back a im. Di sinting pan computa man… a noh tweaka it name?

Boardlane TV: Sir, that is “Twitter!”  Mister Jacobs, let him stay. Clearly he does not want to be exposed to the sun. We can now confirm he has not escape. Do you know how this rumor became so wide spread?

Vybz Kartel: (Chanting and singing)

Check di dutty bway name Movado!

Man a gwaan like mi an im a fren but dem a wish mi life en (oh!)

Troo im waan mi babby modda, im a try put mi inna hot wata (oh!)

Gaza a di teacha’s pet… when mi touch back a road, mi a di biggess tret.

Dem man deh noh stap tek di pizen dope but mi still a wash mi face wid di cake soap (oh!)

Boardlane TV: That sounds like another hit song in the making, doesn’t it?

Warden Jacobs: A bare fawt im a chat!  Anyway, come aan now! Time unu an di news camera leave. Gaza deh yah! Goh tell di whole worl dat! An tell MTV fi stay outta yaad business. Weh dem fi penetrate is fi fine out who kill Tupac an Biggie an den tek dat mek news.

Boardlane TV: Well, this is Boardlane TV bringing you up to date news as we get them. The notorious Vybz Kartel is indeed safely secured under his bed at the Horizon Adult Remand Centre. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Nov 30th, 2011

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It  &  A Soh It Goh!

After weeks of watching the resistance movement calling itself “Occupy Wall Street”, the Jamaican people themselves have taken to the streets of downtown, Kingston.  The number of protesters on scene so far is in the thousands. The protest, which evolved from a network of individuals and groups galvanized by the demonstrations across United States, has brought people together from all walks of life to make specific demands.  Boardlane TV is live on the scene and was able to interview a few of the protesters.

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, once again Boardlane TV is reporting from the streets of downtown, Kingston where a massive protest is on the way by concerned citizens of Jamaica.  I have with me here a business-like man from Constant Spring who has a lot to say about what he wants to see change in this country. Sir, could you talk to our viewers about your concerns?

Reginal: Yes, good afternoon. The reason for me being here is because I want to plea to the government to provide critical mass required to catalyzed redevelopment of the Eastern sector of Paradise Street and advocate for the expansion of the drainage system in the Southern limit across Kingston. I would like to also see the inclusion of the members of the diplomatic mission to influence entertainment and recreation around the Bellevue corridor.

Boardlane TV: Sir, you have lost me. What exactly are you talking about?

Reginal: Your guess is as good as mine baby love. Mi did jus waan soun intelligent on television an a dat mi practice fi seh whole night last night.  But I stan by everyting mi seh- even if it noh mek noh bloody sense. More time mi hear di politician dem a roun up dem mout an dem naah mek noh rahtid sense eida. Soh mi tink dat is language dem can andastan. Yuh feel mi?

Boardlane TV: Yes sir…I guess. But I thought this was about real causes here. Let me move on.  Young lady, you have a very interesting placard that decries Portia Simpson’s sense of style. What is that all about?

Denise: Well, as a hair dressa l tink it is in di bess interest of dis country dat Portia change har hairstyle. If shi did a kip up har hairdo wance in a while di economy woulda deh pan betta footing.

Boardlane TV: How so?

Denise: Well, fi startas mi personally woulda charge har whole heap a money jus fi comb out har hair. Den is aneda money fi aile it dung an aneda money fi gi har wan a dem tall hair weave mek  shi look like spring chicken. Dat deh wig looking sinting pan tap a har head spwail an it mek har look like Medusa pan steroid.  If shi come a my hairdressing parlor come do har hair, mi woulda mek a money fi spen. A soh di economy woulda get betta.  It simple soh!

Boardlane TV: Ahmn .. I don’t really think it is that simple, but if you say so. Thank you for your time. Hi Miss! Come over here and discuss your placard with us. Why have you decided to join this movement and what is your demand to the government?

Sandra: Yes mam…di ting weh bun mi why mi have to bi dung here is di fact dat dem lack up Vybz Kartel an mek “Teacha’s Pet”  flop out! Di show did a gwaan good pan Lime TV an all of a sudden sayka di jancrow police dem goh lack up di bway di show tap soh – BRAPS!

Boardlane TV: But he was arrested on the charge of double murder miss. Isn’t that serious enough for him to be in jail?

Sandra: Dat coulda wait til di show dun cause di show did ago sell aff! Plus it noh mek sense fi kip im inna jail when im alone risponsible fi di production of Cake soap inna di country. Di Supamarket Manija dem a seh Cake Soap sales a drap fram dem lack im up cause a im wan did a buy dem up.  How dat fi good fi di economy?  Cho rahtid man! Dis yah govament an di police force too blinking backwod! Dem naah run di country right a tall.

Boardlane TV: Ok my dear. Good luck with your protest. We have time to speak to one more person. Sir, your placard mentions the inequality of wealth. That sounds like a good platform. Tell us about your complaint regarding inequality.

Andy: Respec nice lady! My name is Andy Livingston an mi did enta di Festival competition dis year an come in 4th. Di people dem gi mi $100,000 an wan pieca iron trophy. But when mi tek a stock,  di man weh come in fus get 1 million an change.  A wah kina almshouse bizness dat?!  How im fi get soh much money an a pure ediat ting di man did a sing wid im foo-fool jump up dance weh noh tek. Dem coulda at leas gi mi half a million caah mi sang did wikid! Jah know seh mi a rue fi dat cause mi money shart.  A equal rights fi my portian a money mi a defen tideh!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear… what a story! Well folks, as you have just heard the people of the “Occupy Downtown” movement have their demands. Not very cohesive demands… none of them really make any sense for that matter, but we are just here to cover the news.   Have a lovely day until we report live again from Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Oct 12th, 2011

A strong earthquake in Virginia rattled the East coast Tuesday afternoon and sent out 5.9 seismic shock waves that were felt across the region. The quake prompted evacuations of office buildings and causing people to frantically run into the streets. Boardlane TV  is on the streets of Washington DC to obtain reactions from those scared individuals affected by the quake.

Boardlane TV: This is Boardlane TV reporting from the streets in Washington DC Metro area. We have with us here a construction worker who felt the quake  while doing construction on the road. Sir, tell us what happened when the quake hit.

Dennis: Well to tell yuh di troot mi neva know seh a earthquake enoh sistren. A dig mi a dig up di road wid a jackhamma an all of a sudden mi feel some breeda shaking an mi a seh to miself: “Blurtnaught! Dis yah jackhamma wiked noh blouse and skirt cause dung to di building dem a rakkle! When mi si di people dem a run out a di building mi drap di jackhamma an tek aff cause mi tink a mi dem a come affa fi a shake up di place soh. A friten yuh sheg!

Boardlane TV: So you actually thought the jackhammer was causing the tremors?

Dennis: Yes man! Cause mi set di ting pan buck an mi swear seh a it a mek di whole place a shake soh.  (Holding his crotch)  Mi bex still cause mi did well waan brag an boas to di ooman dem seh mi have di wikidess jackhamma, yuh noh seet.

Boardlane TV: Ok sir, nice talking to you and sorry to disappoint you but you had nothing to do with the tremors. Miss, I am not sure why you are dressed like you are at the beach. Could you explain your attire?

Grace: Woooo… a weak , a weak , a weak soh til mi cyaan talk. Woooo… Miss TV lady, as dere is a Gad mi jus dun piss up miself! Mi was in di Old Navy inna di dressing room a try aan baatsuit cause mi plan fi goh Ochi nex week.  Mi jus put aan di baatsuit when di shaking start an mi tumble dung a grung. A tek foot an mi seh nat even Usian Bolt woulda ketch mi! Dats why yuh si mi yah inna baatsuit inna di miggle road. Lawd Gad ..mi all lef mi baggy an brazier  same place inna di store.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Excuse me for laughing, but that is a funny story. Are you planning on going back to retrieve your belongings?

Grace: MI?! Yuh mussi mad! Mi nat teking foot back inna dat place. Mi jus hope dem wi tek mi pan di bus inna di baatsuit wid di tag a heng aff sed way.  Disyah baatsuit cyaan sell again cause mi pee-pee inna it.  Lawd Gad… a weak soh til

Boardlane TV: All right mam.  Thanks to the quake you have a free swim suit. Have a good day. Mister, come here and have a talk with me. You seem a little dazed and confused. Are you Ok?

Dave: A di laas bombeet time mi a go drink a Bud Light pan mi lunch break! Mi noh know wey mi goh tek up miself a drink farrin liqua pan a day like dis. Mi seh lady, as mi dun drink aff di beer soh mi start wabble. Mi a wanda seh how dem seh di beer light an mi tuntid soh?! Mi tink a drunk mi drunk to faleetee! Kiss mi neck! Den mi si wan lady run ZOOPS! paas mi like lightning …an di breeze weh a falla back har lick mi ova. Mi seh Lawd Gad dis is it! Mi naah drink when sun hat again!   

Boardlane TV: So do you realize that it was no that you were drunk but it was in fact a quake?

Dave: It noh matta! Jus a cheap mi did drunk cause a di fus mi eva feel soh light inna mi head an giddy! Mi ah-rite dowe. But as Gad is my wikness mi naah touch noh more Bud Light!

Boardlane TV: Ok sir, take care. Sir! You with the briefcase. How are you sir?

Milton: (Shaking) Lawd Jesas! Di place still a shake. Run fi yuh life lady! RUN MI SEH!

Boardlane TV: No sir, the quake is over. It is you that is still shaking. Calm down.

Milton: Oh a soh? Tank Gad. Well, how are you my dear? I am Milton Jackson from the department of Homeland Security. It was about 1:56 in the hofternoon when I was in mah office on the 5th floor sipping on some coffee when the quake shaked. I was so overcame with fear that I grab my briefcase an ranned out of the office. The last time I ranneth like this was at Boys Champs in ‘85. And that time was 10.56 in a sprint. I must have done 9.2 flat today.

Boardlane TV: Well Mister Jackson as an employee of homeland security you should be one of DC’s bravest as well as the most organized. Did your office not have a evacuation plan?

Milton: Evacuation plan mi backfoot!  When yuh si bookshelf an computa a shake like hell who have noh time fi memba bout evacuation plan? Anyway, dat plan is only if dere is aneda 911. Earthquake a different sinting cause yuh noh know weh ago drap pan yuh head tap!

Boardlane TV: Thanks for your time Mister Jackson. Miss, can you step over here and chat with me? How was the experience for you?

Sharon: (Feeling the Holy  Spirit)  Hastama-kanta-balu! Hastama-kanta-balu!  Jehovah Gad move di eart tideh fi show di unrighteous dem seh a im a di KING of all KINGS! Tideh di whole a wi wikness di powa an  di wrath  of di Almighty  who is rula of dis eart! Jah naah sleep an IM is nat pleased wid di corruption, di back biting, di whore mongering,  di lickie-lickie, di buggaring, di bleaching an di Facebook ting.

Boardlane TV: I see you are devoted Christian and this incident moved you? Am I correct?

Sharon:  No mam. Mi nat in di church. But mi still have to lick out gainst evil. But mi ago mek sure fine mi backside a church dis Sunday cause Maasa Gad a come fi im worl. Which church yuh goh by di way? Mi a look wan place fi worship.

Boardlane TV: You are on your own with that. Anyway have fun finding a church this weekend.

This has been a live broadcast where we  heard a wide perspective from the Jamaicans on the streets of Washington DC. Back to regularly scheduled program.

© Joelle C. Wright

 Aug 24th, 2011

The week’s most talked about, and widely covered event, has finally taken place. Kate Middleton and Prince William were wed this morning at Westminster Abbey . The atmosphere in London was cheerful as thousands of people gather outside Westminster Abbey to witness the wedding.  Among the thousands of well wishers were Jamaicans. Boardlane TV got a chance to speak to some of the onlookers .

Boardlane TV:Good afternoon. Hello! Miss Lady can you give us an account of what you are feeling as a witness to this matrimonial event?

Lydia: Hi –  is who you?

Boardlane TV: Oh!  I am Wendy, reporting  for Boardlane TV. Tell us how you are feeling right now.

Lydia: Mi neva hear bout dat deh statian name Boardlane TV, but anyways. Yes… William an Katrin did a wandaful jab. Dem remine mi a mi own children dem. Ongly ting is fi own dem noh fare aff soh good.  Di wan lilly gyal pickney mi have drap outta school wid belly before shi tun 14 an  mi son  drive wan trolleybus weh noh pay quatty! Dem is mi pickney dem but mi deh yah a watch di Royal couple an wish fi mi pickney dem coulda marrid wid horse an buggy like Katrin and William. But dat naah happen cause dem noh have wan drap a ambition!

Boardlane TV: Madam, love them anyway and be proud no matter what, OK?  Let me move on. Young lady in blue blouse, how would you characterize what you witnessed today?

Rachel: Lady, fram mi barn mi neva witness soh much yellow teet people inna wan wedding. Jesas Gad! Dem need fi invest inna whitening teetpaste man. Dung to di lilly cyaas yeye pickney dem teet dem yellow like corn bread an butta .  Mi only hope dem noh tek wedding photograph an put aan big smile, cause Gad know seh Will and Katrin pictra dem ago pwail to rackstone.

Boardlane TV: Oh my. That was harsh – don’t yuh think?

Rachel: But a di troot miss lady!  How yuh fi cawl yuhself Royalty an yuh blastid teet dem noh tan good inna yuh head.  Dat noh right!  A di troot mi a tell yuh!

Boardlane TV: Thanks for your time. Let me get a comment from this young man standing beside you. Young man you seem a little disturbed in your face. What gives?

Steven: Mi jus a penny an notice seh dem have bout 500 harse a gallop paas wi an outta di 500 a dem,  a ongly WAN deggeh deggeh black man yuh si inna di parade! A sheggries dat! Jah know! Granted, im did look like any mascot inna tights an di cone hat, but outta di whole a Englan – a wan degge, degge black man dem coulda fine fi inna dis? Dats why di harse fling wan a dem pan im @$$ dis marning cause dem too blinking racist!

Boardlane TV: Never even noticed the one black man, but if you say so. Moving on.  Miss,  give us your take on what you witnessed today. Did you enjoy it?

Bev: Well, mi enjay everyting excep di blastid hat dem weh some a dem put aan fi come a di girl wedding. Kiss mi backfoot! Nat even ben dung plaza mi eva buck up pan dem deh “wear an lef” hat deh. Wan smaddy weh mi si, have wan hat deh fayva  dem dyam bud ness. Den wan neda wan hat fayva mi granny ole wash basin!  Some a dem shudden even allow fi wear di hat inna di church seka how dem look like sinting mek fi stab smaddy an kill dem. Di wan name Princess Beatrice have aan wan weh fayva wan blastid Octopus a heng affa har farrid. Jesas Gad –  no man! Dem sinting is a sin before Gad an all mankind.

Boardlane TV: So is there anything else you would like to comment on, other than the hats?

Bev: No mam. Dat a di only ting dat did grab mi attention cause everyting else did boring noh fawt.  Oh! Wan more ting! William did look dappa, but dem shoulda mek im kip aan fi im hat. Mi neva know seh  a soh di lickle bway head peel out!  A wanda if im sick? 

Boardlane TV: Thank you miss. Your comments were very spirited.  Ok let me see.. young man.. yes you ducking behind the crowd. What you hiding for?

Donovan: (Crouched  behind the crowd) Jus cool noh lady. Noh come ova yah soh wid noh blurtnaught camera  now man.

Boardlane TV: Why sir? Are you camera shy?

Vinette: Lady a mi bredda. Im a hide cause im goh tell im bredrin dem bout im naah come a di wedding an now im a hide cause im noh want im face show pan TV.  A soh im dark an tan. But mi have sumting seh dowe .

Boardlane TV: Go ahead Mam.

Vinette: Yes, I want to know why dem  noh have  noh food stan out here fi wi buy tings fi eat. Mi  deh yah fram marning an neva drink noh tea before mi lef mi yaad tinking seh di Queen woulda have lickle provisions fi wi out yah. A di fuss wedding mi eva goh inna my life weh food noh serve. If  a did Jamaica dis, wan lickle jerk powk  man woulda deh yah fi save wi fram dead fi hungry. Mi seh mi hungry soh til mi tripe a tan up inna mi back! Den dem mek wi a wait  fi how much howa fi si wan lickle dead stock kiss fram Willy Wonka an Flaky Katy. (kiss teet)  Dem is too dyam slack fi people who have money!

Boardlane TV: So sorry about your anguish love. Take care and hurry up and get yourself something to eat. There you have it folks, a fine day at the Royal Wedding. We thank all those who spoke with Boardlane TV. Have a great day.

 ©Joelle C. Wright  April 30, 2011